I want to be a person that is conscious of where I have come from, so I can better understand where I might be going. I also am a person who enjoys writing and articulating my thoughts in a verbal, recorded form. I keep journals like they were going out of style. Part of the attraction to this practice is the fact that they are terrific recordings of my life, along with being a place where I can pour out my heart to God and come back and remind myself of what I've prayed and how He's answered.
I perused through some of my journal entries of 2010 a few nights ago, and I am humbled by how much God has worked in my life this year. I mean, I knew it, but it feels like my journal entries show me in so much clearer detail the vivid movement of his hands.
Here are some of the quotes that I was drawn to, in order, from January through December:
January:
“I give it up to you, Lord. I surrender. Thank you for this chance to let my actions follow my words. Thank you for asking me to give this up – again – so that I’ll know I’ll do it. You are worth it. Lord, I lay down my life and my desires and my will. May you be honored and glorified now and always through me. Please, Lord, have mercy on me. Make this clear or make this go away. Please, please, God... God, please O God, cushion the blow if it is coming. Help me put my hope and trust in you.”
February:
“O Lord, be merciful to me, please! Help me know what way to go! Help me know how to best give this into your hands. Help me know how to bring you glory and honor with my life… I love you, Jesus. I love you because you are committed to me – you are faithful to me. Never, ever will you decide you love someone more than me. Thank you for revealing yourself to me. Thank you for loving me.”
March:
“Lord, I want to be have true wisdom and understanding. I want to be someone you are proud of you. Take me and make whatever you want of me. I’m yours. I surrender… It’s so clear to me, Lord that I’m not trusting you as I should. My attitude stinks and I’m being a complete hypocrite. I asked you to reveal my sin to me, and I’m glad you have, but I guess I didn’t expect it to be so overwhelming. I can be SUCH a selfish brat! Lord, I don’t feel like I can ever break free of this crud, but I want to. I want to love you more and be more like you… Oh Lord, I stand among the unrighteous! Forgive me. Be my God. Be my purpose, my guide, my love, my delight. I have nothing to bring you, but I know you are merciful. You are slow to anger and abounding in love. Please love me.”
April:
“‘The faithful love of the Lord never ends! His mercies never cease. Great is his faithfulness; His mercies begin afresh each morning. I say to myself, ‘The Lord is my inheritance; therefore I will hope in him!’ ’ Lord, I want this to be my reality. I want YOU to be my reality... Lord, it scares me. How do I do this? If I just stop trying to control this situation will I know what to do? … I use words too loosely. They get in the way of what I’m trying to communicate.”
May:
“I’ll keep praying, and Father, I acknowledge that you are free to do whatever you like with those prayers. If you want to bless abundantly on behalf of my prayers, that’s fine. Please don’t let my selfishness and my will get in the way… Is it too much to ask you to do even greater work? Mostly, though, I just ask you to honor and glorify yourself… I want faith that doesn’t die and isn’t discouraged. ‘Faith is not simply a patience that passively suffers until the storm is past. Rather, it is a spirit that bears things – with resignation, yes, but above all with blazing, serene hope.”
June:
“Jesus, in so many ways I’m so thankful, but I desperately want to know, are you holding me in your arms carrying me? Or am I left behind somewhere back in the woods? Do you have plans for me? And will I like them? Satisfy me, Lord. I seem to be all confused. I want that peace that passes understand to dwell in my heart… Once again, I release this and my heart to you, Father. Use it for your glory.”
July:
“Lord, you are RICH in mercy. Thank you. Thank you for how you care for those who are obedient to you even in the mist of calamity, like I see in Jeremiah. Thank you for how you give rich blessings in the form of people… I have so much to be thankful for Lord - you have blessed me so abundantly. Father, I confess that I’m not trusting you to know what’s best for me. I’m sorry. I do believe you are good and good to me – I know it! I’ve seen it! Help my unbelief!”
August:
“It’s a bit exhausting to try to sort through this. Actually, I don’t think I’m really sorting at all. It’s just getting mixed up a lot. I don’t know, Lord.”
September:
“I’m scared that if I pray, nothing will happen. But I know it COULD, I just don’t know if it WOULD. Jesus, I don’t know how to deal with the poverty. I keep looking away from it, but I’m not sure that’s best either. I WANT to see it. I WANT it to break my heart. But I’m not sure what to do when I’m broken. Will you just hold me together? I want to exude your love here, Jesus. Help me! I want you to be glorified…
There’s something about being around old people that makes me both fear and get comfortable with the aging process. I just helped an elderly woman get cleaned up after she wet herself on the bed. I got her into the bathroom and hosed off, then I went to find something to clean up her bed and change her into. When I got her onto her bed, though, she started defecating on it. I got her back into the bathroom and sat her down in one of the chairs. Her body is wrinkled and withered. I think it’s beautiful. Her bottom is flat and her breasts sag and her stomach isn’t ripped. She’s soft and comfortable…
This God of justice and fairness sees child prostitution in India. He sees the beggar children on the streets of Kolkata. And his loving kindness extends to the world. I guess I don’t understand why his kindness extends to me. Or, at least it would seem so. He has blessed me abundantly and hasn’t seemed to do so much to others. I know this is pride on my account, asking for God to fit into my expectations or wanting to know God’s reasons, and I don’t believe I have a right to. Father, help me believe even in my unbelief. Help me be humble and just acknowledge that you are God and greater than me. I feel selfish to just leave it at that – that I can be thankful God has blessed me and such is life and not worry about other people. I don’t understand, and I cannot comprehend. I want to be OK with that, but I’m not yet. Help me be.”
October:
“Lord, how often do I not respond to your promptings when I should? How often do I delay? I forget how blessed I am. Thank you, Father, for the work you do in others to cause them to bless us. Help me be a blessing. I think that’s what you intend people to be to each other, all for your glory. Help me be brave, Lord. How quickly it is that I forget I can be on your side. I am on your team and I can literally stand next to you. Let that be my place of security... Today I read about “running with patience” and “burying our sorrow in service to others.” Isn’t that incredible? Giving and serving IN our hardship rather than sitting back and waiting for it all to pass.”
November:
“Waiting is tedious and painful, but so necessary. Meat must hang to get the best flavor. Water must boil to steep the best tea. Sarai must be empty-armed for years and years to truly test her faith. It’s hard to wait, Father. I’m impatient! But I know you’ve planned my journey with stops along the way…
Lord, I was thinking of Abraham an Isaac and where I was in life the last time I read that passage, and how you asked me to really sacrifice what was most precious to me – to really put it on the altar. And then how I thought you gave it back, but then later I realized you hadn’t. I remember how it felt like just like one big, massive, hamburger-making season of my heart. I remember hoping the pain was going to lead to something, but also afraid my hopes were too unreasonable. Now, here I am, with the perspective of time. I see now it was worth it. Did I learn what you wanted me to learn? I’m afraid of disappoint you, Lord, because I’m afraid you won’t love me – or at least not as much. Was there more I was supposed to learn? HAVE I made the progress you wanted me to make? Here, now, I’m content, Father. I love you, I love learning about you and getting to know you. Thank you for how you worked through all that crap in my heart, and for your unending patience.”
December:
“Oh Lord, you do all things well. I see in Genesis how you work so many things together in so many ways. Thank you for letting me see that. Lord, you know my heart’s desires, and YOUR heart’s desires. I want yours. I pray for beautiful redemption. I trust you. I know you’re looking out for me, you love me, and you protect me. I need your insight and wisdom. Thank you that you care about what I’m going through. You are so good! I trust you Lord, I trust you will work out the details of my life at exactly the time you want to work them out. I trust you to lead and guide me. I live in your presence, oh Lord. Help me choose right, and when I don’t, help me confess and choose better the next time. I’m hopeful. My hope is rooted in you – I want it to be rooted in you. I want to act like you do – help me listen. Not every circumstance has been fun and enjoyable along my way, Lord, but every sacrifice has been worth it!”
