Master's Maze

I've got a new mindboggler. This subject of a Master's degree came up between Gabe and I again yesterday in the car as we were heading out to Cannon Beach. He asked me what I was thinking about it, and I sat mulling in silence for a couple minutes before finally asking him if he could ask me specific questions. I felt/feel as if my thoughts toward doing a Master's program is something like a massive, messy ball of yarn. I don't even known how to find the end to start pulling.

I'll try to unravel it here in a few short paragraphs:

Applying to and working on a Master's program seems very logical right now. It makes a lot of sense. It's cheap - dirt cheap. It'd be hard to beat the cost! - it appears to be useful (a Master's in Ed can be used in a variety of ways), it's not impossibly far away, and it would give me a sense of commitment to this area for a specific amount of time. It is a good back up plan, if nothing else, and it would mean I could probably always get at least some job in an area that excites me. I don't want to feel trapped in a financial situation were I have to work at a job that doesn't inspire me or allow creativity to be a part of my wages.

But.

I cannot shake the feeling that God is laying something bigger on my heart. Something that doesn't, you know, look quite as logical or make quite as much sense. Something that isn't going to result in a sense of a security net or backup plan. Something that might not have people nodding and saying, "That's a great idea, you're so smart," but rather will have people raising their eyebrows and saying, "What? You really think that? You're crazy." Something a bit more... Extreme... Dangerous... Unnerving.

Mysterious.

Majestic.

Wonderful... Adventurous... Out there.

Fath-building.

Something more... dependent on Him.

I was arguing with God today, in my head, saying, "Lord, this Master's program makes so much SENSE. Isn't it an opportunity that you opened up? Isn't it something that you've practically led me to? A job at this community college, the agreement between the college and the state universities, the interest I have in education. I see your fingerprints in this. Why am I feeling this hitch in my gut?"

And, although I'm not positive it was God or if it was just my overactive imagination, it felt like God was saying, "Dani, do you trust me? I know this looks like a good opportunity. It is. But maybe it's not the best. Maybe you're motives are for doing this out of pride and doubt - you want security and safety and significance. You're looking for that in a degree and a career and job possibilities. I want you to have that too, but I want you to find that in me. Will you let me? Will you let this go - lay it aside - and seek me and only me? Not me PLUS something else, but just me?

I can offer you security. I said I'd go with you to the ends of the earth. There's nothing more secure than knowing I, the sovereign God of the universe, am with you in any circumstance you face.

I can offer you safety. I've loved you from eternity past and will forever, fully and completely love you. There's nothing more safe than my love.

I can offer you significance. You are mine, I have called you by name. I have paid for you at the most costly price, and you are worth it.

You can choose, love. You can stay in this figurative boat and sail on into the Master's program, or you can experience what it's like to get OUT of the boat and walk on the water to me. I know it's scary, I won't make you do it. But it'll be an experience unlike any you've had if you'll just trust me."

Honestly, I think I'm terrified. I'm terrified of trusting myself to God and abandoning my plans. I'm terrified of - once again - saying (and meaning!), "OK, God. The Master's and title and sense of accomplishment and achievement is what I think I want, but I know that ultimately your best for my life is way better than my best. I'm going to trust that you will use me to do what you desire for me to do, and that that will be fulfilling and meaningful to me because it will be honoring and glorifying to you. I trust that, if you have further education in mind for me, you will clearly lead me to it, and that you will show me how to pay for it. I won't pursue this degree... this career... this opportunity, because I want to be completely open and abandoned to YOUR best and I want to demonstrate my trust in you and you alone - for future finances, for future direction, and for future focus."

I SO badly want: a) God to be glorified in every aspect of my life, and b) to live the life he purchased for me through death to the fullest extent that he intended. I don't want his sacrifice to be wasted or devalued in any way.

The application is due by Friday. I feel like there's some kind of time bomb in my stomach.

THAT student

I love my job partially because it provides an opportunity to interact with so many students (also partially because it comes with regular breaks!). Every quarter, there seems to be a "project" student of some kind. It's impossible to guess what their stories will be, but it always provides an opportunity to rise above the regular challenges of teaching and delve into something more... intense.

Last year there were several that stick out. Kim was a single mom who came to class every day with smile on her face, regardless of what her day might have looked like. There's only one day I can think of that wasn't so good for her, and I was glad I was there on that day. She graduated with her GED last year, and I couldn't have been more proud. There was "the back row crew" also. Nate was a sweetheart with a flirters charisma, DeRoyce and I had regular conflicts in the hall when he refused to do things the way I requested, and Blake sat in front of the back row crew with his long hair and skateboard leaning against the wall next to him. He was a favorite of mine - with his quiet sense of humor and gentle spirit.

Last fall Kendra entered my world just after fall quarter started. She would sit with her arms crossed, suspiciously glaring at me, trying to not become engaged. In the 9 months I've been her instructor, I've learned her mom had just died before she started school, and she'd come back to the classroom to honor her mother's wish that she finish her GED. She and her partner are raising their daughter, and Kendra has sought out parenting skills training in an effort to be a better parent. It won't be long before she gets her GED, and I'm so proud of her!

Barb was overwhelmed a lot during the winter quarter, and we had a couple teary meetings in the hallway. I don't think Barb was as overwhelmed with me as I was with another student - Koloneus. Koloneus drove my NUTS winter quarter - the terms "slippery" and "manipulative" come to mind, and it's exhausting to try to stay ahead of that game, but in our last class session of the quarter we all got a good laugh when a different student commented on the quarter-long battle that Koloneus and I had over his cell phone use. The class admitted to taking bets over which one of us would stick it out. I won.

This quarter has brought it's share of challenging projects too. I met with Shannon in the hallway of tears also. She came as a hostile, angry, defensive woman and when I called her out on it and asked if it was something specific with me or if there was something different I might be able to do to make school more enjoyable for her, we had a few minutes of frustrated venting and tears. However, within a few weeks she was joking around with the guys and offering her opinion without being prompted.

And then there was my main project. He showed up on the first day of the quarter and I thought, "Oh, dear. This one's going to be tough." I remember looking up the meaning of his name as I read the writing samples in my boyfriend's living room, and praying over him and over the paper that the meaning of his name would come true. For 7 weeks I felt like I banged my head against a wall. He hated the books we read and every homework assignment was riddled with sarcasm, hate-filled comments, snide remarks, and closed-minded opinions. I didn't know what to do. I knew he was smart, I knew he didn't need to be in my classroom, I new he was insecure, and I felt like he attacked me in class most days to see if he could make himself look good or feel better as he tried to catch me in an area of weakness: grammar (shudder!).

I finally texted my friend Adam, who shares some similar traits with this student, and I asked him for help in reaching out to my troubled student. He said, "Be logical, black and white, to the point, and explain why you are doing something. Don't use feelings and emotions." I asked my student to meet with me so we could have a "wee chat."

I came to the meeting with my ammo loaded - I'd prayed for several days and recruited other people to pray too. I'd printed off the course plans for my class and the next two classes in the sequence. I proposed that we skip the student. He agreed.

When I walked out of that conference room, I thought, "This is either the make or break event of the quarter."

It made it. That student has been a dream student ever since. He understands why I ask what i ask on the homework, and rather than just deciding he doesn't want to do it, he's sure to write down the reasons why, which have valid ideas.

He's emerged as one of my stable, dependable students. I can count on him to do a number of things - act as my personal body guard (he's probably a food taller than me and 100 pounds heavier than I am), an assistant editing helper, a thought-provoking questioner, a reminder, and a generous contribution to the sugar levels of the class (last week he made cookies).

I feel absolutely honored and humbled to have had him in my classroom. He's still not upfront about sharing personal information, although he keeps track of mine. However, he is certainly not short on witty comments or the ability to find irony in situations.

I thought at one point that I just wanted him out of my class, but now I'm so glad that didn't happen and that wasn't the case. I've learned about being flexible and trying to see the good in people and encouraging that. That's been a great lesson, and I wouldn't trade it, even for less stress for 2 months.

I'll be sad to see THAT studnet leave tomorrow when the final is finished. I think he'll be one for my personal student history books.

Take a Deep Breath (of Spring)

I'm writing this from my prime position on a cream, over-stuffed chair in my living room. I decided to bite the bullet and get internet in my house after my Grandfather died, so I could try to be home more with my Grandmother. I've been living here at their house with them for over 2 years and I've enjoyed (most of the time) not having internet, but I must admit, it's nice to be able to access it now.

I'm in comfortable sweatpants that my awesome boyfriend brought me from England, and an old plaid shirt I hijacked from the Goodwill pile of my Grandfather's clothes. It's purple.

I have 4 days until the end of instruction for Spring quarter. Where did the time go? It seems like it was just starting mere days ago, and here we are, trying to wrap up the end. I'm very, very tired though, so it'll be nice to sleep in a few days.

The other day I was doing dishes with Gabe and he put his hands on my shoulders while I held mine out to the side to avoid dripping greasy taco soup water all over our barefeet. He leveled me with his eyes and said, "Dani, take a deep breath." I asked why (typical!). He said, "Because deep breaths are nice, don't you think? I like them." I couldn't really disagree with that, so I complied by filling my lungs with life-giving atmosphere.

I was reminded today as I stepped out into the sunshine from my office building how breathing can be so stress relieving. I feel like I have a million things on my plate right now - finishing up classes, the last stack of grading, planning summer quarter, helping with Gabe's sister's bridal shower and wedding, staying on top of photoshoots and editing, finishing a curriculum project I'm working on, completing my Master's application, plan our annual Missions Conference, staying ahead of my piano students, researching a new computer to buy, and just stay on top of the normal stuff - grocery shopping, cleaning, cooking, putting away the things my Grandma takes out and forgets where they go, etc.

Sometimes I wonder, "What am I doing wrong? Why can I not slow down?" It feels like it's just a rat race sometimes. I thought I'd found a balance last winter... but, then I realized today on the drive home that the month of January, which seemed like the epitome of balance for me, also was the month I was going to bed by 7PM every night. That's great, but... is it really realistic to maintain? Before I got too deep into searching for a solution to what I can cut out, I notice the fading daylight and remembered the stack of papers sitting next to me in my car, and decided now wasn't the time to focus on it.

Life feels like a bit of a chaotic juggle right now, but I'm trying to remember to take those deep breaths. And hopefully I can keep my sanity a bit longer...