5 years

I am rather surprised tonight by how the past 5 years have changed my perspective and opinions on a number of things. A woman that has watched me grow up said to my parents 5 years ago - as I stood on the cusp of making a decision that would have changed my life significantly - that she thought the next 5 years would bring me to a very different place, and that I would feel differently about many things.

I had no idea how right she was.

Five years ago, I had a very clear picture of what my "ideal" would be in one area of life. I had a plan that I would have liked to have play out in steps exactly how I envisioned them. I had many specific details figured out to astounding complexity.

I wasn't ever presented with the exact option I was waiting for. I had some other options, but I chose to not pursue them extensively.

Now - 5 years later - I suddenly realized today that I've recently been presented with that ideal - I mean, down to ASTONISHING details!! - and I chose to not accept the ideal, because it's no longer what I want.

I've changed in the last 5 years, and I think it's really fascinating that, had I been given the option back THEN of what I was recently offered, I would have taken it without a 2nd thought. It would have been a dream come true. But NOW, 5 years later, I had the chance to choose the very thing I used to want, and I no longer want it.

How strange. God obviously had different things in mind for me than MY ideal. I think it was His grace that preserved me from being given the option 5 years ago, and this realization today is a demonstration of how He has purposefully worked to grow and mature me in different ways than I thought I would grow and mature.

He really, really does know what He's doing. I am awed by Him. Yesterday I had some time to myself and was starting to get stressed from how my thoughts were fragmented and running in a million different directions. But then I recognized the fact that I didn't want to be thinking about this stressful stuff. So I told God, "Lord, I don't want to think about this stuff, but I cannot seem to keep my own mind off of it. What do YOU want me to think about?"

And His answer, in His typical loving, gentle, kind way, was simply, "Me, Dani. I want you to think about me."

I laughed. Of course! Why would He NOT want me to think about Him? He's seriously the best thing to think about - His love for me is overwhelming... unfathomable... generous... kind... patient... How good He is to me!

a good chuckle...

I went to my friend Janene's open house in honor of her recent marriage. She met her husband in Utah, and they were married there last week, but they're visiting her family at the end of their honeymoon for the Christmas festivities.

Janene and I have been friends since our high school soccer days. She was a classic-literature-loving, piano-playin', studious, modest counterpart on the soccer team, and I especially appreciated her company and friendship during the long bus rides to away games. We would run together sometimes throughout the year. Since she moved to Utah to go to school, we've stayed in touch via phone and facebook messages and the occasional visit when she was home to see her folks.

I had to laugh when, about 5 minutes into our conversation tonight sitting on her stairwell, she asked me, "Are there any boys in your life?" This seems to be a very common question - maybe it's my age, maybe it's the fact that my sister got married, maybe it's something to do with the number of friends I know who have gotten hitched this year (I stopped counting in the mid thirties, remember?)... whatever the case, it's a frequent question I find myself fielding.

Which, in all truth, I don't mind. I know that people ask me out of a sincere desire to see me happy, loved, and in a healthy relationship with a good guy. When friends like Janene ask, I think it's mostly because they feel like their own relationship with a significant other is the most meaningful thing in their life, and they genuinely want me to know they're interested in me and my life, and want to express support for such a meaningful relationship in my own life.

It does make me smile a little though - allow me the self indulgence, please! - because it's sometimes an exercise in patience (and really, this is something of a private joke between God and myself, so maybe it won't make sense to you - my apologies if it falls flat and you don't see the humor in this...) to not retort to people that my value, worth, opinion of myself, goals in life, or accomplishments in my own mind have nothing to do with my relationship status. In fact, several weeks ago (when I wasn't feeling so patient) I whined to a friend, "I am NOT defined by whether or not I'm dating, engaged, or married to someone! I wish people would get that through their thick skulls!!" (in my defense, I think that was after about the 5th person had asked me if I currently had a "special someone" in my life within the scope of about 24 hours...) But most of the time, when people ask me, I smile a genuine smile that maybe only God and I understand, and I answer honestly that I hate to disappoint them, but no, I'm not seeing anyone at this time.

Tonight, though, this rather predictable conversation took a unique turn. Janene looked at me, and maybe seeing the sparkle in my eyes when I answered her, commented, "That's OK, Dani. You're hands down the coolest old maid I know or will ever know! I mean, look at you and your life - you do such awesome things. Most old maids sit around moping. You don't!"

I was so complimented by it that I laughed out loud. I thanked her profusely for the compliment, then paused a moment in the philosophical corner of my mind to comment back to her that there is MUCH I want to do in life - places to go, things to experience, ways to serve, ways to invest in the world, adventures to be had, etc - that I'm really so extremely thankful for where I'm at in life right now. I am, of course, excited for Janene and all my recently married friends, but I simply cannot imagine being in their shoes, thinking about a husband, keeping a house, finishing up my education while trying to learn how to be married, working, kids, in-laws, etc.

I put my hand on her arm and grinned. "I'll make you a deal, friend," I said, "I'll keep adventuring and doing crazy things, and you can live an adventure vicariously through me, and you can do the home-wife-kids thing, and I'll live that adventure vicariously through you. Then we'll both continue to learn and experience new things, but we'll also be content with where we are."

Because really, that's the most important thing to me. God's been teaching me quite persistently that he has placed me here. He has his reasons, and even if I don't understand why, I DO NOT want to be discontent with my present. I think learning to be content is one of the hardest challenges I have - and possibly will - face in life, but I also think it'll be one of the most rewarding. Season in life come and go. Relationships start and end. People are here and then they are not. Babies are born, kids grow up and leave, spouses and best friends die, and nothing seems to be all that permanent.

But I have God. I have my relationship with Him. I have joy and value and purpose and meaning, and I delight in those facts, and can choose to focus on them and be content. Regardless of my circumstances.

So I told Janene, "I have no problem being an old maid!" If that's where God wants me, and if that's where he has me, I'll throw myself into being the most God-loving, alive old maid you can imagine. And I'll play cards while I'm at it...

Intruiged and irritated....

First the intruiged part... Do some things just surprise you, no matter how hard you try to not be surprised? It suprises you in such a way that you have to just sit back and laugh, because you never expected it, but yet, once you see it happen, you realize you were misguided in how you were thinking. But even when you realize you were misguided, you still can't help but be surprised and think to yourself, "How odd. I wonder how that ever happened?" And then your curious about the whole thing.

Case in point. I'm at that strange age when people seem to be split by unknown reasons from those who are "single" and those who are "in a relationship." Those who are "in a relationship" suddenly appear to be much more mature than those who are "single," whereas, two years ago I thought the "singles" where much more mature than those who maintained being "in a relationship." Why is that? It's really quite stupid! Just because someone has a boyfriend or girlfriend doesn't mean they're any more or less mature than anyone else, particularly. In fact, it's a horrible measure of maturity considering people "date" when they're in first grade now!

But that elequently confusing paragraph was simply to introduce you to the topic that surprise me today. And old friend - well, I wouldn't even call him that much of a friend... He was an aquaintance - recently left a comment on a myspace that I stumbled across. (we'll address my myspace browsing some other time!). Anyhow, his profile picture is with this beautiful girl, and, naturally, being the curious person I am, I went to his profile and looked at his pictures. This guy, while a nice enough guy.... Gosh, how do I say this? He just never seemed like the type to really attract girls attention! Especially not someone that was, at least from what I gathered of their pictures, a classy/elegant sort of girl! He's, like, the essence of hickishness! I was quite honestly rather stunned. So I laughed! I mean, how? why? what on earth are the circumstances around THAT story??? They just look so wrong, but yet, why should they be wrong for each other? Maybe they are the perfect balance, I don't know. It just surprised me, and now I'm intruiged by how people end up with other people, and whether or not they seem "right." I dunno.... It's one of the mysteries of being attracted to someone, I guess.

OK, now for the irritated part of this blog, which I promise to keep short mainly for the reason that I don't care to dwell on it because just thinking about it gets me irritated. Actually, know what? It's just petty. I'll make it REALLY short! Myspace: friend orders. I know that it is just a way to organize your "top" friends, however many you want that to be, however, I put serious thought into who should go where and for what reason. Honestly! I know that's pathetic, but I do... I carefully select who is ON my top friends to begin with, and then select what rank they get. And actually, it isn't so much for my sake as much as it is for THEIR sake. Therefore, I might have someone as, like, number 3 on my top friends because I think it will make them feel loved or something, even though in actuality, if I REALLY had to rank my friends, I'd put number 15 in their position. However, if I've only known number 15 for a short while, or I know they aren't gonna care, then I'll just leave them at 15 and put the person who will get more out of the experience up at 3.

Alright, so that's how I do it, and this is why it is ridiculous for me to be upset.... I get sad when I'm demoted on someone's top friends, especially when I feel like the proper position is for me to be in the place they had me. Like, I don't have a problem being number 24 or whatever, but don't move me there from number 4, please! Or if you are, do it GRADUALLY! And, of course, communication is always OK. Like if you're moving me because you're mad at me, TELL ME! If you're moving me because you got married and you inherited 22 relatives that need to be higher up, just let me know! Even as a joke! (I operate under the assumption that relatives should be fairly high on the list.)

OK, so I KNOW this is stupid and petty, and I know that it shouldn't bother me... Actually, maybe it doesn't bother me except for the fact of who did it, I'm not sure... Maybe it is just this person's moving me around I find irritating. Actually, I'm getting the sneaky suspicion that is it! See, THIS is why I should just delete my myspace. a) I get upset because I get caught up in the middle school politics. b) I spend too much time on it, and c) I don't even have a reason for c. a and b are almost enough to convince me. Yes, maybe I'll just do that. Ahhh.... I'm oscellating (sp?)..... I'm strongly tempted to! If I miss it too much, I could always get back on.... Maybe I'll sleep on it and decide in the morning.

So yeah, I'm a pathetic person, so I'm gonna go read Romeo and Juliet now!

Arabic alcohol and awkward moments...

I have a cup of Arabic alcohol steaming hot beside my laptop sitting here at my dining room table. Arabic alcohol is better known as coffee - but I was just reading someplace the other day that since Muslims aren't permitted to drink wine, they drink coffee instead... And coffee used to be known as Arabic alcohol.... I don't know if it is true, but I liked the sound of it! I guess they both are capable of giving you a buzz, albeit different kinds. Well, actually I don't know from personal experience, as I've drank wine, like, twice in my life and it certainly wasn't enough to get anything that I would call "a buzz." And coffee, well, I drink it sometimes, in phases usually, for awhile it's hot tea, then coffee, then hot water... but caffeine rarely makes that big of an impact on me.

Anyhow, onto the awkward moments thing. They also have a different name, actually, popularly known in some circles as "Melvin Moments." Melvin is the awkward turtle that comes out and swims around a bit whenever things get to be a bit awkward. He resides the rest of the time either on my myspace or in my car hanging on a leash around my rearview mirror.

So, I've had a fair share of awkward moments in my lifetime, I think everybody does. But I usually try to forget them! One situation that regularly turns awkward for me, however, relates to the doctor. I've known our doctor for years, and really like her. In fact, I worked in her office for about 18 months, between volunteering and actually working part time, early in my high school career. I left on good terms, of course, and my family regularly gets invited to their Christmas Season open house, and we see them at soccer games and grocery shopping and good stuff like that. I don't really have problems with the doctor herself actually... oh, let me explain, this is getting confusing!

Awhile ago I had to get a blood draw. It wasn't just ANY blood draw, however, it was a blood draw to get a pregnancy test. Now, I'm not pregnant, nor do I intend to GET pregnant ANYtime soon, nor am I at risk of BECOMING pregnant! For the record, I'm waiting for my first KISS until my wedding day, so I wouldn't say I'm a likely candidate for pre-marital sex... BUT, of course, not everyone has the same standards I have.

Anyhow, I called to make the appointment for a blood draw, and they asked what the blood draw was for. Have you ever had to say "It's for a pregnancy test."? yeah, talk about weird! I don't even know the office staff at the office anymore, so that makes it more uncomfortable. See, if it had been the people I had worked with, they would have laughed and said "really, Danielle?! I just KNEW that was coming!" and I would have been comfortable explaining the situation to them (which I haven't explained yet, sorry! It's for some medication that has potentially horrible side affects to unborn babies, so they screen everyone who wants to go on it). But when you don't know the people, and they're trained to treat everyone professionally, they don't do any teasing or make any comments that you feel you can say "No, it isn't like that... here's the deal." Instead, they're completely accepting of it, and you feel like you're suddenly being silently judged! It's weird! Fortunately, since the doctor DOES know me, I don't actually have any problems with her personally. She knows that it is simply a hoop I had to jump through. In fact, one time when I'd had the test done, she came into the room and said "Well, Danielle, I'm sure you'll be surprised by this, but it's negative." And we had a good laugh about it.

So anyhow, I had to go in for a pregnancy test blood draw again today, but this time I was going to a different lab. It had finally become natural and un-awkward (I don't think that's actually a word, but I just made it one!) to go into the office of my regular doctor, because either I'd told the main people at the office, or the doctor had mentioned it to them, but they knew that it wasn't for the NORMAL reason women get pregnancy tests! But then I had to switch to the other lab. I went in with my slip of paper ordering the test, and had it to the gal at the counter. "Hi, I need to get my blood drawn" I told her. She was like, "OK, let me get some info from you." So she asked all the typical questions: what's your address, phone number, etc...

Then she asked my age, my relationship status, and religious preference. I answered "I'm 18, I'm single, and my religious preference is Christian." And suddenly I felt like "Wow, this could be a prime reason why people don't have respect for Christians. I'm an unmarried teenager, claiming to be a Christian, in here to get a pregnancy test." Of course, did I explain WHY I was getting the test done to her? No. Should I have? I don't know. I mean, it isn't really her business, but maybe I should have told her anyhow. Sigh. Talk about an awkward moment!

I had another moment that COULD have been awkward today, but it wasn't. I was in the grocery store picking up laundry detergent, and I ran into the wife of my ex-boyfriend's co- worker. Complicated, I know! But I've figured out life gets that way when boyfriends/girlfriends and/or EX boy/girl friends become a part of your life. I mean, I didn't "date" anyone until I was 18, so for awhile it was just weird to think in terms of "I have a boyfriend." In fact, I had a whole "terminology issue" going on for awhile.... but that's another issue! Maybe I'll get into it later :-) But what's even weirder is thinking in terms of "I have an EX-boyfriend." Yeah, odd. Fortunately, I still think he's a pretty nice guy, and the people he works with are pretty cool too, so running into his co-workers wife wasn't that bad.

In fact, I was genuinely pleased to see her, as I haven't really talked to anyone at his work place since we broke up. I always liked her and enjoyed talked with her anyhow, AND she has the CUTEST little girl EVER, so it was fun to see how she (the daughter) had changed in the past couple months. It was funny though. When I walked out of the grocery store it suddenly hit me how blessed I am. I mean, I could have been in a relationship that just ended altogether badly, and caused a rift of anger, bitterness, or hatred between everyone who knows me and everyone who knows him... but that wasn't the case. Or, at least I haven't got that feeling! Yes, there is obviously a little bit of separation that happens when two people who were together kind of go their own ways, typically with his friends seeing less of her, and vice versa... But at least there isn't, like, animosity between the people that have been friends with him and then gotten to know me... or at least not that I've sensed. Maybe there is, and they're hiding it well, but if that's the case, I'd rather just live in my little naive bubble! I HATE it when people are upset at me.

But that's something else I've learned about in the past little bit. You can't always control what people think of you... in fact, I'm convinced that in my case, it may have been an issue of pride that God has had to work with me on. I've always been a person who has had high standards, idealistic, and I regularly have people say "I want my kids to be like you when they grow up." I think I'd begun to take pride in the fact that people saw me as a role model. I mean, I have good grades, I've never done anything massively stupid like go off the deep end rebelling or anything, I get along with my parents and siblings most of the time, I played sports and did fairly well in them, I've been a student leader in my youth group, I'm artistic, creative, inventive, intelligent, unique, and fairly responsible. (Wow, OK, I feel very egocentric for explaining all of that, but PLEASE believe me that I didn't write it with the intention of bragging!)

Anyhow, I've also been fairly outspoken about the "pitfalls of dating when you're too young to consider marriage" and stuff like that. Obnoxiously so, as a matter of fact. But I always thought MY love story would unfold exactly how I planned it... I would meet an awesome guy between the ages of 18 and 22, we'd "court" for awhile, see God was clearly directing us together, and get married. Storybook romance. It's read like THE perfect example of "Waiting for God's Best" and "Setting an example for people to follow" etc. but..... not everything goes according to plans! I've decided it's great to have theories, but when those theories have to hit the road and actually DRIVE, well, you have to keep your toolkit handy in case a tire comes off or the steering isn't quite right.

Unfortunately, when you're outspoken about things, people have a tendancy to say "OK, I'm going to watch you and see how this works for you." And that's when my pride (and competative nature!) thinks "You just wait. I'm going to prove that my way is the best here." Well, at least that's how it worked for me! So, dating someone and then breaking up with them was like a spotlight highlighting some of my very obvious faults... like pride in doing things "The BEST way" which, in all reality, was simply MY idea of what was best. Now, I'm not saying I'm throwing out my theories all together, or don't see any purpose in praying about and for my future husband. Heck, I still have full intentions of keeping my standards just as high as always, and not getting into dating relationships just because I'm bored or anything. I still won't consider dating someone I wouldn't be interested in marrying, as a matter of fact. But, I have learned that a) I was judgemental about people who have been in more than one relationship. and b) sometimes God has plans that are WAY different from mine! :-) Duh!

See, I kind of thought that the TRULY spiritual were so intune to God that they wouldn't make stupid choices like dating the "wrong" person. I also didn't think that God would "intend" to have someone date a person they weren't going to marry. But, like I said, I've had to re-do my theories! I don't understand everything, for sure. I mean, a part of me wishes I hadn't had the experience of dating someone I'm not going to marry, simply because I would have liked to share ALL of that with my future husband.... BUT, at the same time, an even BIGGER part of me is SO blessed by having the chance to date my ex-boyfriend. I mean, not only have I learned some important things about relationships in general, and obviously God has used it to teach me some MUCH needed lessons, but I also had a heck of a lot of fun with my ex. Good fun, clean fun. And great talks. He introduced me to so many things that I may not have had the chance to experience, like weird foods and vintage candy bars, and different types of music, and movies, and political ideas, and all that kind of stuff. Would I really want to trade all of that to be the "mature role model" I thought I was? HECK NO! Because, in reality, I wasn't as mature as I thought! Or as much of a role model either!!!

But it has been a little hard to think of myself as a "failure," not only for me, but for what I perceive other people to think of me. BUT, as I mentioned, I'm learning that you simply cannot always control what other people think. On top of that, it really shouldn't concern me that much if other people think badly of me. Don't get me wrong, I DO want to be an example (1 Timothy 4:12), but I don't want to be a PROUD example. There's a big difference, I believe! Have I made mistakes? You betcha. Do I regret those mistakes? Absolutely. BUT, at the same time, by making the mistakes, I've learned that it is indeed possible for not only me but other people to make mistakes, and I believe God has used the experience to give me a greater mercy for other people as I have had to face God in need of his mercy. I hope I've learned that, at least. And I think I'm learning to deal with all parts of relationships (learning as in STARTING to learn!) in a proper manner. I can thank God for the blessings, confess my shortcomings, thank him for his mercy and forgiveness, and then move on. You can't hold on to the past, either the good or the bad. Both can enrich your lives, but it must be in the proper manner.

OK, I'm getting theoretical (or I guess hypothetical would be the correct term!) again... I usually end up doing this, don't I?! :-) So I'm gonna stop now! Wow, we've covered a lot of ground... coffee to Melvin to preganancy tests to my ex-boyfriend to lessons I've been learning... I don't know if you enjoyed it, but I appreciate the chance to organize my thoughts and put them on a page. Thanks for sticking with me so long folks! I hope you have a wonderful evening!