Prayer

It isn't often that I don't know how to articulate my thoughts and feelings, but tonight I can't. At least, not nearly as eloquently as this song does. My week long break has been the back-and-forth wrestling depicted in these lyrics... And at the end of it, my honest prayer is the essence of these words.

"I've got voices in my head, and they're oh so strong.

I'm getting sick of this, Oh Lord, how long,

Will I be haunted by the fear that I believe?

My hands like locks on cages of these dreams I can't set free.

If I let these dreams die, if I lay down all my wounded pride,

If I let these dreams die, will I find

The letting go lets me come alive?

So empty my hands, fill up my heart, capture my mind with you.

Oh, empty my hands, fill up my heart, capture my mind with you,

With you.

These voices speak instead, what's right is wrong,

And I'm giving in to them, please Lord, how long,

Will I be held captive by the lies I believe?

My heart's in constant chaos, and it keeps me so deceived.

If I let these dreams die, if I could just lay down my dark desire

If I let these dreams die, will I find

You brought me back to life?

Empty my hands, fill up my heart, capture my mind with you.

Oh Lord, empty my hands, fill up my heart, capture my mind with you.

Cause my mind is like a building burning down

I need your grace to keep me, keep me from the ground.

My heart is just a prisoner of war,

A slave to what it wants, and what I'm fighting for.

So empty my hands, fill up my heart, capture my mind with you..."

- "Empty My Hands" by Tenth Avenue North

Silly, silly us.

I'm sitting in my office on this fine Saturday (and by fine I mean the clouds are white outside my window, not grey... As a bonus, the concrete isn't even wet!). I have just one class left to finish up with for standards. I'm not very inspired to work on it, but in a minute I'll crank some tunes, grab my three stacks of paper, and whip through it in... hopefully... about 45 minutes. I hope. Silly me for not just buckling down and doing it!

Yesterday I also had that thought in an ab workout class at a rather sketchy gym with my friend Bethany. I was balancing on an exercise ball doing crunches, my neck was aching (no idea why - heavy hair, perhaps?), my abs were burning, the music was hilariously old-school crazy, I started laughing when I looked around at the other people in the room and almost lost my balance and fell off my ball, and I thought, "Why on earth am I doing this?"

I mean, what is wrong with us? As a people? As a society? I get up early on a Friday morning when I don't have to work to go into a stinky, sweaty gym to work out with other people who are all doing the same thing, balancing on balls in a back corner to imitate a sitting up motion until our stomach muscles feel like they're screaming at us every foul word in the dictionary (and not in the dictionary), listening to music that I wouldn't torment my least favorite person with... Why? So I can sit on my behind in an office working with my brain, picking up the phone to text or call someone or driving in my car to see someone, rather than doing anything remotely physical.

I wear high heels - and thus can't walk easily long distances, I live in the country so I can see the pretty open spaces when I'm driving to and from the campus where I work, I drive in my car to visit friends and drink sugary, creamy coffee, and then, because I'm a conformist AND want to be healthy, I go running and do those silly ab classes, all in an effort to burn off the extra calories that I consume while I intentionally fail to burn them in my daily life.

Why? I have no idea. Silly? Absolutely.

Welcome to America in the 21st century. We think we're advancing in brain power and skill and achievements - I'm just not so sure.

But please pardon me, I think I'll do some wall sits for a few moments - my legs feel like they're getting a little flabby sitting here at the computer.

The Civil Wars

My new favorite music group incorporates one of my favorite single artists. The Civil Wars is comprised of John Paul White and Joy Williams. You can hear their music at http://wwww.myspace.com/thecivilwars They're truly a phenomenal combination of Southern acoustic blues, soulful harmony, and ambiguous lyrics.

I was stuck on their song "Poison and Wine" for a long time, but my most recent favorite is titled "Fallen." It's worth a listen. I promise.

"Haven't you seen me sleep walking?
Cause I've been holding your hand.
Haven't you noticed me drifting?
Oh, let me tell you, I am.

Tell me it's nothing
Try to convince me
that I'm not drowning
Oh, let me tell you I am

Please, please tell you me you know
I've got to let you go
I can't help falling out of love with you

Why am I feeling so guilty?
Why am I holding my breath?
Worried about everyone but me
And I just keep losing myself.

Tell me it's nothing
Try to convince me
That I'm not drowning
Oh let me tell you I am

Please, please tell me you know
I've got to let you go
I can't help falling out of love with you.

Oh, won't you read my mind?
Don't you make me like you
I hear,
Please, please tell me you know
I've got to let you go
I can't help falling out of love with you."

"I don't know."

Today was weird. Tomorrow is the last day of the quarter, but due to the block schedule, many instructors and students were absent today, or will be tomorrow.

One of my absolute favorite teachers from my college career is Joe Green. Joe taught my English 102 class and my Creative Writing class. I also worked on the Literary Arts Magazine class he taught for three quarters. I've spent countless hours in his office, sitting in his extremely comfortable yellow chair, talking about authors and poetry and literature and relationships and life and God and beliefs and alcohol. He's one of those teachers that fits the oh-so-cliche-but-oh-so-true portrait of being equally an instructor of life and English. It was due to Joe that I heard about an opening in College Success, and he walked me over to meet Kyle, the dean, and Joe personally recommended me.

I used to be intimidated by his large grey beard, because I could never see if he was joking or not. But I've learned to read his dry, witty humor in his eyes instead.

I used to think Joe was just an English instructor - meaning, I couldn't imagine him being anything else. I've learned over my years of friendship with him that he's a gardener, a printer, a publisher, a craftsman, and a musician.

I used to think that LCC wouldn't be the same without him, and nobody could challenge their students as much as he does. I've learned that LCC won't be the same without him, but he's made it better for the rest of us by being there. I've also learned that it's up to my colleagues in the Language and Lit department - and up to me - to maintain the academic rigors he set forth for his students.

I feel a bit like the cortex around me has been thrown a tumult. It's not a bad thing - in fact, I can see it for the healthy, normal change that it is - it's just throwing my status quo for a loop; my older sister is about to get married, my younger sister is talking about it, the steadfast, seemingly permanent grey-beards on the faculty are retiring, yet another friend got engaged in the last 24 hours, and my friend Rosalind was just talking about her doctorate hopes, including possibly relocating. My friend Amber is about to have her first baby, and all around me graduates are moving out of high school or college and onto something different.

I am not. I, thankfully, and simply remaining the same. But I'm not at all the same, because all these changes are occurring around me, and those changes, indirectly, are affecting me.

Rosalind asked me today, "So, what's next on your agenda? What are you planning? Where will you go next? What will you do?"

I took a sip of tea before I answered: "I don't know. For perhaps the first time in my life, I don't have a plan. I just don't know."

And that's OK. Because I do know that the spiritual disciplines I want to develop are rarely grown in chaos and confusion and change. More frequently, I think they mature in calm - even tedious - times.

So today was weird. It seems like I just realized how changed my world is going to become over the next couple weeks, or the next couple of months. And I also realized that I enjoy NOT being the one doing the whirling around... I enjoy being in the center of this storm, and finding calm and peace there.

Summertime Sweetness

I'm working on the last stack of papers from my students - this week is the final week of instruction, and I have conferences all week - prior to getting their finals next week. It feels good to be almost done. It does not feel good to know that I still have a couple hours of work ahead of me. Alas, such is life this time of year - full of baby showers and graduation parties and more dishes to wash than I've seen in one place at one time in my life. I have no time to focus on catching up on work until the final few hours of Sunday evening.

There are many things I'm looking forward to over the next couple of months. I dream of lazy afternoons in the sun on the hammock, reading books and napping and drinking lemonade. It probably won't happen much - I'll be teaching all summer - but it's pleasant to dream about!

I'm also anticipating the festivities around my sister's wedding in T minus 26 days. Holy smokes. My maid of honor duties have been relatively minimal, but they're about to pick up. I sat down with my Mom and looked at her calendar and my calendar from now until the wedding, and I can already tell it's going to FLY by. This is the last week of instruction for me, and next week I'll only have the one final to give and my student standards to finish up and turn in. I'm also throwing a co-ed shower for Meg and Andrew next weekend, and Meg has another shower. I'm hoping to repaint my room and give the whole house an intense, thorough cleaning, since it's been since last fall that much of it has been deep cleaned. The yard needs to be tackled and whipped into shape. Meals must be made. Things for the wedding collected and organized. Then I go back for summer school the week of Meg's wedding, so that week will feel like insanity with the soon-to-be-relatives from Canada showing up and the houses bursting at the seams with an additional 30 people or so staying with us and eating with us. I'm excited - I love people and extended festivities!!! - but I also know I'm going to be feeling slightly taxed.

It's probably for the better tickets to Germany were sky high and I opted to no go off wandering this break.

In the meantime, I need to get a curriculum developed by tomorrow morning, and all these graded papers entered into my gradebook so I can hand them back tomorrow when we have our final review class session.

I wish it wasn't almost 2300 hours.