Risks and... rewards?

I have decided that life often involves one looking at the position he inhabits, looking at the properties he posesses, and then projecting both the possible success and potential failures to undertake the process of making a decision.

My head has not always weighed my decisions, but the one main time I can recall it did, I still ended up with heartbreak. Does the act of going through that extensive checklist make one more aware of the failure if it comes? When my heart makes decisions, I just "know," rather than "knowing" in my head and trying to convince my gut.

I'm going with my gut on this one. I decided that before I got my head involved (which may actually be an oxymoron because usually "decisions" are associated with rational thought of some sort...). I don't want to be rash and I don't want to be foolish, but I refuse to live my life constantly trying to peer into the future pertaining to every little thing. I just don't know the outcome! And I'm not going to try to work it out, because I think in the process of trying to work it out, I actually push it along the path of destruction. Thus, you get as fair of a chance as I know how to give, little possibility - live on!

Old Habits Revealed

I've been poking around on my computer this morning in the quiet of my folks' house (the family's in various spots today), and I've realized something about myself: I'm an idea-saver. I've found multiple communications (email, IMs, letters, etc) saved in my Word Documents, and each one has various ideas or information in it I obviously didn't want to forget. In my efforts to "lighten up" my posessions, I'm afraid I've overburdened my computer! I DEFINITELY need to get an external hard drive on which to back up all this stuff!

I also found a list that made me laugh. I like to think I'm a relatively simple girl, I don't do manicures or pedicures or go to hair salons or wear designer clothes or go to tanning booths, but maybe I'm not as low-maintenance as I'd like to think!

"Wish List"

- A huge, claw foot bathtub
- A set of sharp, good quality knives
- A piano (NOT a keyboard!)
- A clothesline
- An herb garden
- A kitchen with lots of counter space

Motherhood...

I feel a bit like I've become a Mom overnight. Today was my "off day" from school (actually, I technically have Wednesday, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday off... but Fridays I REALLY try to not plan and sleep without setting the alarm because I'm always so tired! Saturday I drive to Vancouver to meet up with a gal and study our independent lit criticism course, Sundays are always packed with church, grading papers, and lesson planning for Mondays, which leaves Wednesdays to run errands and do chores that need to happen during normal business hours...) and therefore my "on day" for being a responsible adult.

I had a list of thing I've been needing to do but just don't get a chance to when I'm spending massive amounts of time during the week on the freeway driving the 60+ miles I regularly traverse or hours on campus reading... My Grandma had a drop-in visit from a neighbor this AM, so I spent a good hour visiting and being social, before heading off to my parent's house to accomplish my email to-do list. Email is my primary form of communication, so I had at least 10 that I needed to send or respond to. Then off to town to get my new driver's license, grocery shop, rotate tires, run a package by the post office, pick up ink cartridges, etc...

I was just picking up the ink at Target and mentally thinking of what I could do with the package of hamburger I'd found thawed in the fridge when Heath called, in tears, wantig help with her Poli Sci paper. I called Grams to let her know I'd be late and to give her an idea for dinner if she and Gramps were hungry and wanted to get started, then I went to meet Heath at the library to work on the paper. We had a good hour to discuss Liberalism, Conservatism, and Realism in relation to WWII and the Cold War, then she had to go to practice and I came home to make dinner (Grams had put a pot of water on to boil but otherwise hadn't worked on food prep) and do dishes, then tackle the homework that I hadn't got done.

Yesterday (was it only yesterday? It seems SOOOOO much longer ago!), I finished classes, got a phone call from a friend and talked on the way to my other Grandma's house, ate dinner with the fam, then talked on the phone to my sister while I cut hair for, like, the WHOLE family (except my Dad - he still needs it!). Then I graded papers until another friend called and I talked for awhile.

I have this strange emotion as I stare at the computer screen tonight: I've had a productive day! I've crossed off MANY items on my to-do list... and yet, I still am up at 12:30AM, working on homework and trying to help Heath with her paper. It seems like every time I walk up the stairs to my room, I have to go pull out a rag and dust something or windex something. I'm always knocking down cobwebs, swatting flies, or washing dishes. There is simply not enough time in the day to get everything I want to get done accomplished... and I'm TIRED! I can't believe I'm only on week 5 (or maybe 6?) of the semester - I'm not even half done, and I'm so out of steam, it isn't even funny! And then I know that in May I'll finish finals during the week, walk with commencement on Saturday, and start summer classes on Monday. I wonder, sometimes, how I'm going to get everything done that needs to be done by then!

This MUST be how a Mom feels - except probably about 100 times worse! I don't even have a husband to deal with! And the people I live with are actually rational adults! I just feel responsible for them like they were my teenage kids... Like, I leave notes: "These are my ideas for lunch, this needs to be eaten up soon, I won't be home for dinner so I've prepped this stuff and you'll have to do that, don't forget the appointment this afternoon at 4, someone will be here to pick you up, and I have the grocery list with me, but if you think of anything that you want to add to it, call me and let me know..." I sweep while I think of essay subjects, I clean bathroom while I try to plan my class for my students, and I wipe down counters while I meal plan for the week.

Speaking of my students, I'm also emotionally invested in them like a Mom! I realize I've only known some of them for a couple weeks, but I have SERIOUSLY fallen in love! I look forward to my time with them, I enjoy their growing grasp of analysis and readings of literature, I am challenged by their questions and inspired by their intelligence. I look at their precious faces and want so badly to give them the best of what I have in me to teach them this skill AND to be a positive, Godly influence in their life. It's an intimidating but also amazing responsibility - and I'm scared half out of my wits when I face up to it!

On a more positive note, though, I just bought a return ticket from San Antonio for when I go down over spring break. I haven't yet bought my ticket TO there, because I need to confirm a time with a friend who is potentially meeting me, but he's got to figure out whether or not he's going on the missions trip with me... Yeah, it's all complicated! But I WILL be joining this awesome family for a week, and I WILL get to see my dear, dear, DEAR friend Carrie from Rome (but actually from Texas...), and I'll get to hang out with my favorite Air Force pilot (I can say that because I don't know any other AF pilots!). I have a feeling that it will be a truly insane week+, but perhaps switching from one sort of insane to another sort of insane will be just the cure I need to overcome the insanity of my life right now!

Responsiblity of being a good sister and the resident English Major calls - off I go to explain more to Heath about topic sentences and help her refine her essay structure and argument... At least it's only 12:45! My brain should still function for a couple hours... :-)

OK, back to the Poli Sci analysis...

I am a lyric freak...

Which may be why I enjoy writing songs so much! Here are two of my favorite songs right now:

Britt Nicole: "Set the World on Fire"

I wanna set the world on fire
Until it's burning bright for you
It's everything that I desire
Can I be the one you use?

I, I am small, but
You, you are big enough
I, I am weak, but
You, you are strong enough

To take my dreams
Come and give them wings
Lord with you,
There's nothing I cannot do
Nothing I cannot do

I wanna feed the hungry children
And reach across the farthest last
And tell the broken there is healing
And mercy in the Father's hands

I, I am small, but
You, you are big enough
I, I am weak, but
You, you are strong enough

To take my dreams
Come and give them wings
Lord with you
There's nothing I cannot do

Take my dreams
Come and give them wings
Lord with you
There's nothing I cannot do

My hands, my feet, my everything
My life, my love, Lord, use me

I wanna set the world on fire
I wanna set the world on fire, yeah

Take my dreams... etc



Jon McLaughlin: "Indiana"

I'm glad I never lived next to the water
So I could never get used to the beach,
And I'm glad I never grew up on a mountain
To figure out how high the world could reach.
I love the miles between me and the city
Where I quietly imagine every street
And I'm glad I'm only picturing the moment
I'm glad she never fell in love with me.

For some the world's a treasure to discover
And your scenery should never stay the same
When they're trading in their dreams for explanations
All in an attempt to entertain.
But I love the miles between me and the city
Where I quietly imagine every street
And I'm glad I'm only picturing the moment
I'm glad she never fell in love with me.

The trick of love is to never let it find you
It's easy to get over missing out.
I know the hows and whens, but now and then
She's all I think about.

I wonder how it feels to be famous
But wonder is as far as I will go.
Cuz I'd probably lose myself in all the pictures
And end up being someone I don't know.
So it's probably best I stay in Indiana
Just dreaming of the world as it should be,
Where every day's a battle to convince myself
I'm glad she never fell in love with me.


In other news, I've acquired quite the appreciation - nay, obsession! - with running with the company of my shadow cast by the moon. It is condusive to meditative consideration of - well, a great many things!

Last night, as I was standing on my head in the moonlight after my typical 3 miles (yes, seriously! I started attending a yoga class at school and I'm thoroughly challenged by those poses - I'm GOING to get better at them!), I took a moment to look as objectively as possible at my shadow.

Have you ever considered how shadows don't show a lot of detail, and how, because of that, one's shadow looks relatively similar year after year? I am just a touch of a creature of habit, - or maybe I'm just cheap! - therefore I was wearing old trousers I bought about 10 years ago at a Goodwill. They've run many miles with me. I was also wearing an old t-shirt over a thermal, and my hair was in a ponytail.

Looking at my shadow, I felt like the past 7 or 8 years were all represented in that absence of light representing me on the grass. Those clothes, that hair, it all looked the same as it did pretty much every time I go running. Granted, I have a few more pounds on my frame than I did when I was 12, but in the dim light of the moon, that was relatively unobvious. It made me wonder, when did I grow up? Looking at my shadow, I don't look grown up. Yet the shadow also doesn't look like an untruthful representation of me - it's the same shadow I've looked at my whole life! But somehow it isn't quite the same, because the person casting the shadow isn't the same as she was 10 years ago.

There hasn't been a definitive moment when I feel like I crossed the threshold from childhood to adulthood - much less from adolescence to maturity. Actually, according to many people in society, I won't actually be an "adult" until I'm about 27, I think... Yet I disagree. I think an adult is someone who accepts their responsibilities and is in the position to act on their own accord. Although I respect and appreciate my parents' input in my life, I know that my decisions are my decisions - they won't make them for me, nor can I go to them to "fix" everything if those decisions don't turn out like I wanted. In fact, I can think of at least three decisions in the past year that I've made with very little or no input from my folks. They didn't disagree with my choices, but they also didn't have their hands in the process of those alterations in my plans.

I used to hate having the term "woman" applied to me - it seemed like a negative, boring, dependent term. Our neighbor once told me, "Dani, you are growing up so much. You're body is changing and developing - you aren't a little girl any more, you've become a woman." Hello! That was NOT what I wanted to hear!!! I didn't want to be forced to conform to social views of what women are and do - I also didn't want to be required to act like an adult! I preferred to see myself in that intermediary position and not have to accept responsibility and the consequences of my actions. Somewhere along the line the past year or two, though, I've become comfortable with the term. It isn't that I don't have moments of wishing I could go back to the little-girl-with-braids moments, or the teenager-with-the-trendy-jeans years, but overall, I am comfortable within my skin. I am acceptant, even welcoming of being called a woman. Actually, I see it as an honor! Pouring over Genesis the past week, I can't help but notice the care and attention God put into creating the human race, naturally including men and women! Each was specially designed, intended for different purposes but also intrinsically connected to each other in performing those jobs.

Another thought from last night is that, since I recognize that I am a woman and created in the image of God, it doesn't scare me to have friendships with other adults - men and women. I was talking with my friend Amy today, who is 36, and I realized that although our life experience differs I can relate to her as a responsible adult AND as a woman. The same with my dear friend Kindra. And I welcome and appreciate my friendships with men also - my friends Anthony and Jordan, for example, are in their 30s and yet they both just "get" me sometimes (probably because we all have similar personality types!). Although it sounds cliche, it does feel a bit like I have stepped over a boundary somewhere along the line, and the things I'm struggling with and contemplating and learning and discovering are the same as other adults in my life. I'm not focused on learning how to drive a car, or graduating from high school, or going to prom, or other things that are very adolescent focused - instead, I (we?) are contemplating how to be a responsible person, how to live out our convictions, how to serve our families, how to love our neighbors. Of course, some adolescents consider these things too - which I love! It makes me feel that that invisible boundary is being obscured and I dislike social boundaries... - but somehow it's different.

I don't think I can explain it any more than that! But now that I can acknowledge to myself and to others that I am a woman, I'm looking forward to seeing how this journey progresses over the next 60+ years!

Sometimes I run under the stars with my hair down...

The feel of my feet hitting the ground, the pounding in my chest as I push myself to get ALL the way to the top of a hill, the cold air in my lungs as I never seem to quite get enough oxygen in each gasp, and the response of my muscles as I pick up the speed just a l-i-t-t-l-e bit... I've been a fairly consistent runner for the last 10 years, and to this day, I don't always know what it is that compels me to lace up my trainers and change out of my jeans, but I do love running!

I'm not an every-day runner. My knees feel the wear and tear on them if I do that. I'm also not a really long distance runner - I think the vast majority of my runs are somewhere between 3 and 6 miles. I'm often a fair-weather runner: I dislike rain, so I'm rarely excited about going out into the elements if it will entail getting wet. I'm also a solitude-runner - I think I can count on one hand the number of people I have actually scheduled running "dates" with (Jules, Janene, Tom, Nate, and Bri). The benefit of running with others is the company, the drawbacks are many: too slow, too fast, too long of a run, too short of a run, too regimented, not consistent enough, too distracting to talk to, etc... :-)

For me, perhaps the real problem with running socially is the fact that I have always seen running as my "me" time. I hate that phrase - it is so very American, but when I was a homeschooling pre-teen, sharing a room with two sisters and living in a small house with six other people, running was my time to get away from the constant conversations and activity of the household and recalibrate. As an ENFP (per the 20 or so tests I've taken in various college courses), I'm definitely social and NEED to interact with people, but my inner values and morals must align with my daily activity as well, or else I feel completely off kilter and dissatisfied with myself and life (I read this on the internet, so of course, it must be true!!!). If I'm constantly around other people and engaging in their lives, I don't have the opportunity to just be still, to recognize that God is God and I am not, and to "run the tapes" to judge myself according to my principles. Running has become my habitual time for that.

I dislike running on all flat areas - I like hills; going up them is hard, and coming down the other side is exhilarating! I used to hate running in the morning, but if I do it, I actually enjoy it quite a lot. I'm also an evening or night runner, though. Last night I procrastinated going out until almost eight, but the sky was clear, the stars were out, and the moon was bright enough that I could see the road and my own shadow easily. One of the things I love about nightime running is that there aren't as many people driving on the roads, which means it's a lot quieter. After I'd finished my run and was walking to where I'd ditched my sweatshirt early on in the loop, I took a moment to lay on the road and just gaze up at the stars and listen. I'd been thinking of how quiet it was while I was running, but laying still made me realize how much noise there actually is in nature! Various dogs were barking, the creek was rushing, the grass rustled, my heartbeat pounded... I think if I'd listened long enough and hard enough, I might have even heard the stars singing praise choruses!

That's what I love about NOT being scheduled and randomly deciding to run at any given time: in the morning, the birds are singing and the sun is coming up and the day is fresh and new; in the afternoon the little rabbits are out and about, the dogs are friendly, and other people smile and wave; at night, it's like I'm the only person on earth, enjoying the unique beauty of seeing the world in dimmed light. Those are the times that I want to take my hair out of its ponytail and race down the hills with the wind rushing past, feeling the muscles in my stomach and legs and arms all work together to propel me forward... so I do!