My boys...

I have a difficult time getting really motivated to do things if I don't have some sort of external, social-type schedule superimposed upon me. This can be as simple as having church on Sunday mornings, or a coffee date with a friend, or dinner and games with a group of people. It just needs to be SOMEthing with PEOPLE involved!

Tonight I didn't have any prior commitments, so I started searching for company. I made a huge pot of tomato soup this weekend (the tomatoes here at the house where I'm housesitting have hit their peak in production - I'm eating tomatoes like CRAZY! In smoothies, in cereal, squeezed into water, etc... j/k), planning to give a good portion to my parents, to my aunt and uncle across the road, and maybe to the neighbors down the street. But I also thought I'd bug my friend Erik and see if he and his roommates wanted to come hang out as well.

Erik, Nate, and Jared just moved from Seattle to Vancouver to work and live on their own and make music. I went down to their place a couple weeks ago - with food in tow - to watch a movie and hang out. Erik had to work tonight, but Nate and Jared were feeling the need for alternative company, so they made the trek up.

We pulled out all the movies and considered watching one, but instead we ended up in the kitchen making chai and hot cocoa before settling into the dining room chairs to talk for the next four hours.

I always, always wanted a brother closer to my age (not that I don't LOVE my sisters and wouldn't trade them for anything, but I appreciate having guys around to give me some perspective into the male world...). These boys fit the bill. We talked about God, people, churches, music, food, greatest fears, girls, guys, dating, friends, kids, etc. They made me laugh until I was practically crying recounting some of their recent adventures and telling stories about the lives of the "dynamic trio."

What I think I love the most about these guys, though, is their very genuine, real passion for Jesus and their desire to become men of godly excellence. They have been drawn to God in a vivid way over the past couple years, and hearing them tell their stories encourages my spirit. I can see God moving in my generation!

I'm honored to call these young men my friends, and delighted that they've adopted me as their big sister while they're so far from their own families. I think the next couple months could include some really cool dinner dates with my boys!

Tick-tock

There's something funny about a blog. It's so very one-sided. This is a huge criticism of blogs, and really, a huge criticism of blog users, because, like, seriously? Do we really think that what we have to say is so important that people are interested in reading it? That it's helpful for others? The sad truth is, yes, we probably do. Albeit, my blog is something of a therapeutic endeavor (verbal processor here...) and somewhat of a challenge (write well, communicate clearly, etc), but it's also pretty, just, selfish sometimes!

And yet, here I am, writing again...

Because it is one sided, I suppose it's completely skewed. Terribly unacademic. You, dear reader, read about me, from my perspective. Sometimes this first-hand account is nice - if any of you three persons actually read this regularly, you probably know more about me than some of the people I see on a daily basis - but it also embodies the typical limitations of a first-hand account.

So to help balance (although, really, it does nothing of the sort, because I'm still writing this!) any misconceptions about me that I have wittingly or unwittingly exhibited in this little online rant over the past couple years, I'd like to put forth the following statement:

I am a very impulsive, rash, foolish, emotional, crazy, irresponsible, undisciplined, selfish, proud, arrogant, self-righteous being.

I don't really WANT to be this way - I want to be wise, disciplined, slow to speak, gracious, loving, selfless, giving, generous, gentle, patient, humble, kind, and respectable.

But oh do I have a long way to go!

I'm feeling the weight of some of my reality right now, wishing more of what I aspire to was fact in my life... So, you can pray for me!

Extroverts weren't meant to live alone

I'm exhausted, even after a good night's sleep, and I think it's because I'm slowly driving myself crazy. I NEED PEOPLE!!! I'm supposed to be getting lots and lots accomplished this week - homework has stacked up on my university's intranet website, student papers sit on the desk mocking me near where my bare toes are propped, and I shudder every time I look at my record keeping book from last semester because I STILL have not finalized it and done my student standards... I think the problem is that I have too much time. I tend to be so much more productive when there is outside structure superimposed onto my day, usually in the form of a crazy-busy schedule. That's not working this week! I guess I need to figure out how to do that in the future, though, or else the next two years are going to be pretty miserable...

But that wasn't really the point of this entry. The point of the entry is to tell you that you absolutely, simply, unconditionally MUST go listen to "Esme's Song" from the Twilight sound track. Copy and past this link, because I still don't know how to do links in the text of a blog: http://www.myspace.com/twilightmoviemusic

It's good. Like seriously good. It's even better if you turn the lights out, light a candle, and sip a glass of wine. For me, it's everything that a song should be - namely, evocative. It conjures up memories, feelings, images... It's both soothing and slightly uncomfortable in the pure, simple beauty of the melody. It haunts me, seeming to wrap around me in a comfortably painful essence. Sometimes I distrust "happy" songs, because they don't seem true to life. I want a song that makes me question, that makes me feel feelings I thought I'd buried safely out of my memory. I want a song that inspires me to love more deeply, live more passionately, embrace more opportunities for pain, and see God more clearly.

That's what this song does. Oh that I could write songs like that!

esperere

"I'm standing in the in between of what I want and what I need...
Please don't watch me, please don't watch me cry
I don't want to be this way
It's hard than it looks, so please don't watch me cry
And admit that I'm afraid"
- Golden Thread


Esperere: to hope/to wait for



It's been a long, full weekend. I've been encouraged by the people around me, challenged by their words and lives. But, as usual with wonderful things, there is a pit at the center of the delicious fruit; the longstanding theme of my life from the past year reemerges (haven't I DEALT with this?!) and with it the all-to-familiar ache in my soul.

I was standing on the empty deck of a ferry this morning, gliding through the foggy mist in the San Juan islands, tiny droplets of the morning haze joining the salty tears on my eyelashes. My conversation on this topic with God just keeps right on going... I struggle. I know to win and find peace I must abandon my fight, switch teams, and take up His side. Frankly, my emotions are wrung out, my faith is in a dichotomic state of strength and weakness, and my brain's activity of firing 47 million connections a minute has left me exhausted. In lieu of my own thoughts, therefore, I've been flipping through Pslams and have found comfort in these words:


Psalm 6:2 "Have compassion on me, Lord, for I am weak."

Psalm 5:8 "Lead me in the right path, O Lord... Make your way plain for me to follow."

Psalm 16:3 "The godly people in the land are my true heroes! I take pleasure in them."

Psalm 16:5 "Lord, you alone are my inheritance, my cup of blessing. You guard all that is mine."

Psalm 18:30 "God's way is perfect. All the Lord's promises prove true."

Psalm 27:8 "My heart has heard you say, 'Come and talk with me.' And my heart responds, 'Lord, I am coming.'"

Psalm 27:11 "Teach me how to live, O Lord. Lead me along the right path."

Psalm 27:14 "What patiently for the Lord. Be brave and courageous. Yes, wait patiently for the Lord."

Psalm 31:7 "I will be glad and rejoice in your unfailing love, for you have seen my troubles, and you care about the anguish of my soul."

Psalm 31:15 "My future is in your hands"

Psalm 32:1-2 "Oh what a joy for those whose disobedience is forgiven, whose sin is put out of sight! Yes, what joy for those whose record the Lord has cleared of guilt, whose lives are lived in complete honesty!"

Psalm 37:5-7 "Commit everything you do to the Lord. Trust him and he will help you. He will make your innocence radiate like the dawn, and the justice of your cause will shine like the noonday sun. Be still in the presence of the Lord, and wait patiently for him to act."

Psalm 37:23-24 "The Lord directs the steps of the godly. He delights in every detail of their lives. Though they stumble, they will never fall, for the Lord holds them by the hand."

Psalm 84:11 "The Lord will withold no good thing from those who do what is right."

Psalm 116:9-11 "And so I walk in the Lord's presence as I live here on earth! I believe in you, so I said, 'I am deeply troubled, Lord.' In my anxiety I cried out to you"

Psalm 116:14 "I will keep my promises to the Lord in the presence of all his people."

Psalm 119:2-10 "Joyful are those who obey his laws and search for him with all their hearts. They do not compromise with evil and they walk only in his paths. You have charged us to keep your commnadments carefully. Oh that my actions would consistently reflect your decrees! Then I will not be ashamed when I compare my life with your commands. As I learn you righteous regulations, I will thank you by living as I should! I will obey you decrees. Please don't give up on me! How can a young person stay pure? By obeying your word. I have tried hard to find you - don't let me wander from your commands."

Psalm 142:2-3,5 "I pour out my complaints before him and tell him all my troubles. When I am overwhelmed, you alone know the way I should turn... You are all I really want in life."

Psalm 143:8,10 "Let me hear of your unfailing love each morning, for I am trusting you. Show me where to walk, for I give myself to you... Teach me to do your will, for you are my God. May your gracious Spirit lead me forward on a firm footing."

Sipping chai in a lonely house...

I stopped in to see a neighbor today, looking for her grandson and his friends who I wanted to hang out with, and I ended up having a fabulous conversation with her and her visiting friend. I love it when God just drops his surprise blessings into my lap!

One of the things I dialogued with them about was passion for Jesus. I've decided I want more. I want more love, more passion, more of a desire and need for God in my life. And sometimes I just get so TIRED of fighting myself on this, I long for heaven! Not that I don't love life here - I do, it's amazingly beautiful and wonderful and challenging and adventurous - but deep, deep down, underneath it, I know as fulfilling as this life can be, MORE and BETTER awaits when I'm free of sin and in the presence of Jesus. It's a crazy life we lead!

As much of an extrovert as I am I also sometimes like to have the chance to just be with myself. Sometimes there are issues there that I haven't yet realized, and it takes purposeful thinking and sorting to work through it, but that's what lonely houses and cups of chai and a notebook full of empty pages are for, aren't they? Sorting out thoughts and feelings and ideas... I love writing! Which reminds me of this COOL thing that happened yesterday!

I started teaching up at the HS co-op yesterday morning. My first class is Basic Writing, so my students are a bit younger (and quieter as a result). I started the class by praying - something I haven't usually done in the past, but I decided I wanted to do it this semester. I can't even remember exactly what I prayed, in my typical fashion I just closed my eyes and started speaking aloud my ongoing commentary/conversation with the Lord, but I do remember thanking him for the chance to share something I'm passionate about (writing and communicating) with my students.

Yesterday afternoon I got a phone call from one of the Moms (she sat in on the class), and she wanted to ask if I'd let another student join AND wanted to tell me that my mentioning of my passion and getting a chance to share my passion had inspired her to ask her children and the kids hanging out in her house what their passions where. Long story short, based on my little comment to Jesus yesterday morning, an entire FAMILY has stopped their plans of putting their kids in private school in order to focus more exclusively on helping them develop their passions in their education at home. I'm not sure if I should be stunned, or honored, or scared! Mrs. W was so excited about the concept of encouraging young people to develop their passions, though, and she'd gotten excited because of me, and I was like, "Wow, Lord, that was NOT expected!"

But as I mentioned to her yesterday, I think it comes down to that verse in Proverbs that it seems everyone quotes to young, single people, "Guard your heart with all dilligence, because out of it comes the wellspring of life" (that probably wasn't word for word...). I always thought that referred to romantic love - which it might, and probably does apply to - but after studying it for a bit a couple months ago, I decided it encompasses a LOT more than that! I think our passions are also close to our heart - we could even say they come OUT of our heart. I really believe that if we stop pursuing what we're passionate about to honor and glorify God and to share with the people around us, we're NOT guarding our hearts, we're not being dilligent about keeping safe what God has given us. If we ignore our passions or push them aside to conform to something else, we're either abandoning our hearts or burying it, rather than guarding it and keeping a watch over it.

I guess all that is to say that I know Jeremiah says the heart is deceitful above all things, which of course needs to come into play here, but I also think it is a powerful gift, and what God has made us to get excited about is also a powerful gift. We should be using it for HIS glory. That's what my prayer is in regards to this semester; that what I'm doing with these kids will be a sharing of my passion with them, a sharing of this gift God has given me, and through it he will be honored and glorified.

Tropics!

I love sunshine. I've realized that on this little jaunt... Actually, I already knew it, but I RErealized it. At the moment I'm sitting on the balcony at our hotel (which we were lucky enough to find with vacancies at 2AM last night when we got in...) soaking up the rays in the humid Florida atmosphere. The sun is reflecting off 47 million little, tiny waves in the Atlantic Ocean a stone's throw away. The only thing that might make this moment better would be a plate full of fresh cut fruit, some company to sit here on the porch with, and the knowledge that we don't have to check out and head back north in 30 minutes or so... I guess you can't have everything!

I love how life throws options at your feet... The bummer is sometimes you don't even realize you had those options until it's too late. But the times when you DO have options, it's fun to appreciate them and the possibilities...

I'm so not ready for this little social jaunt/vacation to end. I wish I could go back to each location and spend another week or two... More time to hang out here in Florida, more time to take in the sights and company in Texas, more time to explore Yellowstone and cook over an open fire (I LOVE that!). But I know that at some point responsiblity and reality must kick in... and it's kickin fast today!

It's a challenge for me, sometimes, to live in the here and now, and not focus too much energy on the future. I never seem to have that much of a problem with the past - I'm not much of a backward oriented person, which tends to not bode well when I do stupid things and don't get my stupidity pointed out to me - but I definitely can exert a lot of energy from NOW by putting it into the future. That's silly.

So my goal for today is to enjoy, soak up, and live every moment HERE with THESE people. When my mind starts wandering to what I have to do tomorrow once I get home, or when I start thinking about my next goal, next trip, next week, next project, etc, I'm going to try to force it back here... Because TODAY is the day that God has given me, and I have no gaurantees about tomorrow... so I need to enjoy this one.

I think maybe that should start with a swim!

I'm about to brag about my week...

I'm slightly crazy about Psalm 116 at the moment, particularly the following phrases: "I love the Lord because he hears my voice... because he bends down to listen, I will pray as long as I have breath! ... Let my soul be at rest again, for the Lord has been good to me... I walk in the Lord's presence as I live here on earth ... What can I offer the Lord for all he has done for me? I will lift up the cup of salvation and praise the Lord's name for saving me. I will keep my promises to the Lord in the presence of his people."

If there is anything I am confident of tonight, it is that the Lord listens to me when I talk to him. I love that! I love that my God is personal and relates to me individually, and loves ME, because he's made me. It isn't a generalized love for all humanity - I believe with every synapse in my brain that God loves and cares and values me individually.

Of course, the thing that just stuns me like a fly on an erupting cannon is that God does love me. Why me? I'm not perfect - I'm SO not perfect! [If you don't believe me, just ask my friend Anthony... ;-)] And yet, God, for some crazy, strange, ridiculous, and probably completely illogical reason, has decided to love me. Huh.

But all of that is a side note. What really inspired this entry is to share HOW I know God listens to me... I think most frequently it is through circumstance and situation and relationships in my life. Somehow, they just all come together in this amazing conglomeration that can do nothing BUT exhibit how God answers my prayers. Of course, it isn't always a "yes" answer - God is most certainly not my puppet - but he does care enough to communicate with me and answer.

This last week I've made my way across the country - first to the Mountains to spend time with my sister, her boyfriend, and the bf's younger bro. I was very blessed and encouraged by my time with these three cool people. My sister is almost the polar opposite of me, so it's always good to be around her and see life from a different perspective - I appreciate it a lot, because it helps me see with a bit more balance. And she's my sister and really good at just giving me things I need to hear honestly.



Her boyfriend is a man of godly character, which I valued being with. His relationship with me is obviously mainly through my sister, so he's adopted something of a big-brother attitude in his dealings with me, and I love that. Older brothers always seemed really cool! Andrew was kind and gracious enough to put up with a couple late-night inquiry sessions around the campfire, delving deeply into his thoughts and analysis capacity to help me work through some questions and offer his input. I respect his communication abilities, his desire to encourage and challenge, and his commitment to fairness and honesty. It was great to be around that social gang!

God also worked the rest of the week (of course!), when I continued on to Texas. If there is any words I can use to label my feelings looking back on the week, I'd use "peace" and "refreshment" and "joy." Isn't it just SO cool when you feel like every time you turn around, you're seeing little smudges of God's fingerprints in the circumstances? That's how it was this last week.



My friend Anthony-that-I-met-in-Morocco has become a valued fellow-journeyer in this adventure called life over the past year. As a man I have grown to admire and respect, God has used him in my life to refine my character, encourage my growth, and model characteristics of God, through his conduct and also through his life story. He has one of the most gracious, hospitable hearts I know, and he warmly opened his home for three of his friends (myself and two others), along with a multitude of people coming and going to party it up with us. I really don't think I can properly express my thoughts and feelings on hospitality, but I think it is a powerful ministry that God uses and blesses in awesome ways (So, Anthony, I hope you are ABUNDANTLY blessed for your habitual, purposeful hospitality!). For me, visiting and staying with people is just one of the most soul-refreshing gifts God has put in my life. This week has certainly been so!

I also feel like "peace" and "joy" (which seem like such abstract concepts sometimes...) have been, like, handed to me this week on a platter along with a fabulous eggs benedict straight from God's kitchen. Psalm 111:1 seems to say it best, I guess: "I will thank the Lord with all my heart as I meet with his godly people." The PEOPLE I got to interact with this week - the conversations, the laughter, the activities - have brought peace and joy to my heart. Rehashing, critiquing, explaining, challenging, theorizing, discussing, teasing: it seems to have just been part of a corporate worship session where the overall focus is on Jesus and honoring him with my life - with our lives.

So has it been a good week? One of the best. And I'm closing my eyes with a smile on my face tonight and a heart overflowing with thankfulness for God's sovereignty and his goodness!



PS: Oh, and I had a great conversation with two gay guys on the airplane last night that just rocked my world for 3 hours!!!