5 years

I am rather surprised tonight by how the past 5 years have changed my perspective and opinions on a number of things. A woman that has watched me grow up said to my parents 5 years ago - as I stood on the cusp of making a decision that would have changed my life significantly - that she thought the next 5 years would bring me to a very different place, and that I would feel differently about many things.

I had no idea how right she was.

Five years ago, I had a very clear picture of what my "ideal" would be in one area of life. I had a plan that I would have liked to have play out in steps exactly how I envisioned them. I had many specific details figured out to astounding complexity.

I wasn't ever presented with the exact option I was waiting for. I had some other options, but I chose to not pursue them extensively.

Now - 5 years later - I suddenly realized today that I've recently been presented with that ideal - I mean, down to ASTONISHING details!! - and I chose to not accept the ideal, because it's no longer what I want.

I've changed in the last 5 years, and I think it's really fascinating that, had I been given the option back THEN of what I was recently offered, I would have taken it without a 2nd thought. It would have been a dream come true. But NOW, 5 years later, I had the chance to choose the very thing I used to want, and I no longer want it.

How strange. God obviously had different things in mind for me than MY ideal. I think it was His grace that preserved me from being given the option 5 years ago, and this realization today is a demonstration of how He has purposefully worked to grow and mature me in different ways than I thought I would grow and mature.

He really, really does know what He's doing. I am awed by Him. Yesterday I had some time to myself and was starting to get stressed from how my thoughts were fragmented and running in a million different directions. But then I recognized the fact that I didn't want to be thinking about this stressful stuff. So I told God, "Lord, I don't want to think about this stuff, but I cannot seem to keep my own mind off of it. What do YOU want me to think about?"

And His answer, in His typical loving, gentle, kind way, was simply, "Me, Dani. I want you to think about me."

I laughed. Of course! Why would He NOT want me to think about Him? He's seriously the best thing to think about - His love for me is overwhelming... unfathomable... generous... kind... patient... How good He is to me!

a good chuckle...

I went to my friend Janene's open house in honor of her recent marriage. She met her husband in Utah, and they were married there last week, but they're visiting her family at the end of their honeymoon for the Christmas festivities.

Janene and I have been friends since our high school soccer days. She was a classic-literature-loving, piano-playin', studious, modest counterpart on the soccer team, and I especially appreciated her company and friendship during the long bus rides to away games. We would run together sometimes throughout the year. Since she moved to Utah to go to school, we've stayed in touch via phone and facebook messages and the occasional visit when she was home to see her folks.

I had to laugh when, about 5 minutes into our conversation tonight sitting on her stairwell, she asked me, "Are there any boys in your life?" This seems to be a very common question - maybe it's my age, maybe it's the fact that my sister got married, maybe it's something to do with the number of friends I know who have gotten hitched this year (I stopped counting in the mid thirties, remember?)... whatever the case, it's a frequent question I find myself fielding.

Which, in all truth, I don't mind. I know that people ask me out of a sincere desire to see me happy, loved, and in a healthy relationship with a good guy. When friends like Janene ask, I think it's mostly because they feel like their own relationship with a significant other is the most meaningful thing in their life, and they genuinely want me to know they're interested in me and my life, and want to express support for such a meaningful relationship in my own life.

It does make me smile a little though - allow me the self indulgence, please! - because it's sometimes an exercise in patience (and really, this is something of a private joke between God and myself, so maybe it won't make sense to you - my apologies if it falls flat and you don't see the humor in this...) to not retort to people that my value, worth, opinion of myself, goals in life, or accomplishments in my own mind have nothing to do with my relationship status. In fact, several weeks ago (when I wasn't feeling so patient) I whined to a friend, "I am NOT defined by whether or not I'm dating, engaged, or married to someone! I wish people would get that through their thick skulls!!" (in my defense, I think that was after about the 5th person had asked me if I currently had a "special someone" in my life within the scope of about 24 hours...) But most of the time, when people ask me, I smile a genuine smile that maybe only God and I understand, and I answer honestly that I hate to disappoint them, but no, I'm not seeing anyone at this time.

Tonight, though, this rather predictable conversation took a unique turn. Janene looked at me, and maybe seeing the sparkle in my eyes when I answered her, commented, "That's OK, Dani. You're hands down the coolest old maid I know or will ever know! I mean, look at you and your life - you do such awesome things. Most old maids sit around moping. You don't!"

I was so complimented by it that I laughed out loud. I thanked her profusely for the compliment, then paused a moment in the philosophical corner of my mind to comment back to her that there is MUCH I want to do in life - places to go, things to experience, ways to serve, ways to invest in the world, adventures to be had, etc - that I'm really so extremely thankful for where I'm at in life right now. I am, of course, excited for Janene and all my recently married friends, but I simply cannot imagine being in their shoes, thinking about a husband, keeping a house, finishing up my education while trying to learn how to be married, working, kids, in-laws, etc.

I put my hand on her arm and grinned. "I'll make you a deal, friend," I said, "I'll keep adventuring and doing crazy things, and you can live an adventure vicariously through me, and you can do the home-wife-kids thing, and I'll live that adventure vicariously through you. Then we'll both continue to learn and experience new things, but we'll also be content with where we are."

Because really, that's the most important thing to me. God's been teaching me quite persistently that he has placed me here. He has his reasons, and even if I don't understand why, I DO NOT want to be discontent with my present. I think learning to be content is one of the hardest challenges I have - and possibly will - face in life, but I also think it'll be one of the most rewarding. Season in life come and go. Relationships start and end. People are here and then they are not. Babies are born, kids grow up and leave, spouses and best friends die, and nothing seems to be all that permanent.

But I have God. I have my relationship with Him. I have joy and value and purpose and meaning, and I delight in those facts, and can choose to focus on them and be content. Regardless of my circumstances.

So I told Janene, "I have no problem being an old maid!" If that's where God wants me, and if that's where he has me, I'll throw myself into being the most God-loving, alive old maid you can imagine. And I'll play cards while I'm at it...

Calm and Stillness

This Christmas break has served to be one of the most relaxing holidays I've experienced in a long time. I almost feel guilty admitting that. I know many, many people who seem to be rushing and hustling and barely managing to stay on top of all they want or need to do. I am not trying to rub it in. Rather, I'm just really thankful.

I purposefully didn't plan much for break - and I was afraid I'd get bored because I wasn't jaunting off to some foreign place or roadtripping long distances or attending a wedding in a different time zone - because I have planned stuff for every other school break for the past, oh, two years or so.

Instead, I've been sleeping in late. I've been taking naps. I've been socializing and practicing guitar and piano and visiting friends and drinking hot tea and coffee. I've been reading and taking pictures. I've been planning Christmas gifts and wrapping them.

I'm house sitting this week and today I was reading my Bible and journaling in a comfortable rocking chair in the sunshine. I found myself dozing off after awhile, and usually I wake up in a panic when that happens, because I'm afraid I've missed something important, but today I knew I had at least four hours until my first commitment, so I just sighed, smiled, and closed my eyes again to soak up the Vitamin D, quiet house, and the peace that seemed to permeate my heart.

Despite how relaxing it's been it's still be emotionally a bit eventful. The last five days have felt a bit like one thing after another that have mentally thrown me for a loop. A friend struggling with depression, another friend miscarrying, yet another friend revealing much in the way of heartache and disappointment from their past, and an unexpected pregnancy. While none of these things directly impact me, they are enough to throw a speed bump into my holiday bliss.

Maybe that's why today's nap in the chair seemed so vital and renewing.

Wherever you are, whatever your holiday schedule looks like, I hope you can get at least a few minutes to doze off in an armchair with your feet up, under a blanket, with the sun in your face.

In Verse

ONE:

I am but one

Small bud in a field

Small thorn on a rose bush

Small fleck on a clock

I have but one

moment in time

breath left to spill

self to give

I strive for none but one

goal: to love

life: to live

thought: to praise

I have

two hands to move

two ears to tune

two eyes to weigh

I desire just one:

blink to endure

God to serve

love to hold as mine:

Jesus.

THE VOICE:

The voice I'm learning to decipher

Amidst the wind and rain

Is the voice I long to hear

Comfort my world-wearied soul today.

I hope for strength and patience

As I pass where I can't see His face

May His tenderest touch

Fill my heart with the rush

To step through my sludge to His gate.

SURRENDER:

My heart and its feelings

of sadness and woe and

hope. Surrender.

My dreams and the fuel

that pressed me

onward to go.

My words and my deeds

must be given to Thee

if this act is complete.

But to learn to love

well, and to hold

well myself, I

Surrender to be

more like You and

much, much less

like me.

TO LOVE:

Oh the trials the soul must face

When a heart desires to give, not take

Against every instinct it must fight

When reason and hope seem out of sight

The battle must be won

Strength given from the Son

But death comes in the night

before the rising of Love.

"I know...

... that my Redeemer lives and will stand upon the earth at last... I am overwhelmed at the thought."

These verses from Job mean a great deal to me. They feel like an anchor of sorts - to secure me, sober me, and ultimately, provide rest.

Today is the one year anniversary of my friend Anthony Vietti's death on Mount Hood.

It's hard to believe it's been a year.

A year ago I was in Egypt. Sailing on the Nile, riding on camels, floating in a hot air balloon, laying on the beach, climbing down into royal tombs. A year ago I met Zeph on a day trip out to Aswan. A year ago I was confused and felt pathetic and hurt, and I was trying to be brave, buck up, and accept my reality. A year ago I was restless and anxious and running - running from destroyed dreams, the rain, memories, responsibilities - and also desperately wanting to find peace by running to God.

I was half a world away from home, wondering what on earth I was doing, and why on earth I had drug my friend Claire into this soul-searching experience.

And then, into that, I got a facebook message from my friend Amber telling me that Anthony and two friends had attempted to summit Mt Hood and hadn't come home.

I feel like I've lived a lifetime in the past year. Death, grief, hope, crushing of that hope, vulnerability, rejection, fear, promises, new life, joy, fear, delight, comfort, safety, security, trust, serving, receiving, tears, laughter. Some link specifically to Anth, and others, honestly, have absolutely nothing to do with him.

What is a year? What is a lifetime? What is time? Little, tiny, important, significant events, feelings, and actions that blur together at a speed that is at once both faster than we can grasp, and slow enough to savor.

I have learned in the last year that I would rather say, "I'm sorry" and free myself of a burden of guilt than wait for the other person to humble themself first. I have learned in the last year that I would rather say, "I love you" and be rejected than wonder at what might have been. I have learned in the last year that every little, minor, seemingly unimportant thing we do impacts someone, somehow - and I want to be mindful of how I act in the little, minor, unimportant things. I have learned in the last year that I want to be a friend that treasures people and their lives and their stories - stepping over and away from myself enough to see them in light of who Jesus sees them, to accept them as they are without pressuring them to conform to my ideas of them. I have learned that love - TRUE love - is patient, kind, rejoices with truth, protective, trusting, hopeful, and enduring.

A year ago I didn't realize how much I would regret that I didn't know these things earlier. A year ago I didn't realize how thankful I would be for where I would stand when the calendar again displayed "December 11th" as "today."

Constitution:

,
dictionary.com defines constitution as: "the aggregate of a person's physical and psychological characteristics." ("aggregate" means the combination or sum total)

I watched "Emma" (or the latter part of it anyhow) with some ladies on Saturday night, and at the end of the movie, Mr. Knightley tells Emma he's willing to live at her Father's home after they are married so they can keep her fretful father happy, and they can be together. Emma says, "You would do that? for me?" and Mr. Knightley responds, "Well, I might still walk [to my home] several times a day, just for my constitution."

We, the viewers, were pondering that fantastic word: constitution. It seems a bit out-dated in present vernacular. Too bad.

Too bad, because I'm about to use it: I have concluded that going to the beach by oneself is excellent for one's constitution.

Yesterday was gorgeous. Yesterday I also didn't have anything too pressing. So I took off for the beach in Poppy, with no music, a cell phone that I'd turned off, my bible, my notebook, and my camera.

I stopped along the coast and snapped this shot as the sun was setting, then found a fancy little bistro in Astoria that served a lot of vegan food, and I ate and journaled and read and tried to unpack Genesis 24. I decided there's a lot there.

I didn't get home until late, and didn't sleep until later, because I wanted to practice on my ghee-tar, because I always feel cool when I play on it, but I slept in until almost ELEVEN today, and now need to be productive. [Sidenote: this is why I really don't like sleeping in all that much. It messes up my whole day's timelines.]

What have you done lately that's been good for your constitution?

I would rather...

I would rather live here:

than here:

I would rather wake up to this:

than this:

If I fall in love, I want it to be in this environment:

more than this one:

I want my kids to appreciate this:

more than this:

This reality is just not good enough:

when this could be an option:

What do you think that means?

speak to me

I'm enjoying Remedy Drive's song "Speak to Me" as I write this blog (it's on repeat). Not because I feel the sense of desperation that the lyrics and melody evoke, but rather just because I recognize in the song my own need to hear God lead and direct me.

I wish I listened better.


Today I had coffee with my precious friend, Melanie. We were wrapping up our conversation with me detailing to her about my recent interview at Mars Hill Graduate School. She, like the great person she is, asked me questions with enthusiasm (because she knows I tend to be an enthusiastic person, so she serves me in this way by responding and initiating enthusiasm - I told you she's great!). I answered them in detail (imagine! me?!), but without quite the level of enthusiasm that she inquired with.


I like MHGS. I like the Counseling Psychology program they offer. But I'm not feeling compelled toward it.


Instead, I'm applying to the Peace Corp. I think the Peace Corp is attractive to me at this point because it seems like such a place of service for me.


MHGS equips for service, no doubt, and will undoubtedly offer opportunities for this while in the program. But, somehow, the Peace Corp seems more attractive in this area right now. The whole program is built around the idea of serving and empowering and equipping the community I'm assigned to. I like that idea.


I also like the idea of being able to serve alongside people who are not necessarily the same as me. Not that MHGS would mean a lack of variety, I'm positive there would be a lot of differences among students, but when I went to visit, I was amazed at how comfortable I felt in many ways, like I was around a bunch of people like me, or like who I could be. I want to be around people who don't necessarily see the world from the same lens as I do.


Bottom line: I think, 30 years down the road, I would regret NOT pursuing the Peace Corp. If I get rejected, it's not really a big deal. At least I tried it, and I can find a new target goal. However, I don't think I'd regret choosing to NOT go down the Mars Hill path.


I was telling Melanie today, though, that I'm not necessarily concerned about it. I am content here, where I am. While that scares me (I asked my good friend Nate today during my guitar lesson with him, "Nate, do you think we can be content without being apathetic? I'm afraid of contentment, because I'm afraid I'll become content in my contentment, which I think would be a lot like apathy. I don't think I know how to be content!"), I believe that God will lead me if or when it's time to move on. Through circumstances, counselors, dreams, passions, people, or just feelings and impressions. I know it's my choice, really - I have free will. But I also know that God knows me better than I know myself, and loves me infinitely more than I can imagine. I've also been reading in Genesis lately, and I've been struck with how the Bible very simply states, "God spoke" to various characters - Abraham, Hagar, Lot, etc. Why do I doubt He's capable and willing to do the same thing to me?


Ask. Seek. Knock. He is faithful.


"Tell me something, tell me anything. I am waiting for you, won't you speak to me?"