The past, the present, the future

I actually have three blog entries I want to write, but I'm going to squish them into a single, brief one because my to-do list is long and my ambition is short.

Past:

Last week I spent 4 days in the courthouse on jury duty. The experience itself was very interesting. I'd do it again in a heartbeat! The specifics of the particular case we were dealing with was tough. As a person who strongly believes in the value of family, it's heartbreaking to me to see a family that is more harmful than good. As a person who strongly believes in the gift and blessing of sex as a metaphysical allegory of unity and oneness, it's heartbreaking to see sex mutilated and abominated. As a person who strongly believes in a just God, it's heartbreaking to see justice not carried out. Needless to say, it was an emotional, trying, heartbreakingexperience.

Also last week, the body of my friend Anthony Vietti and his friend Katie were finally located on Mt. Hood. I first heard about Anth's disappearance while I was in Egypt last winter. I'd talked to Anth's parents at our conference last weekend, and they'd asked me to specifically pray that they could locate and recover Anth's body. That night, a search and rescue guy located it. They recovered it a few days later. While I know that Anth's body was just the physical manifestation of who he was here on earth, and while I've known that he was no longer present on the planet, but rather present with God, having his remains brought off the mountain is certainly a memory-flash that is taking me back to those anxious days in Egypt as I tried to grapple with the death of a dear friend. How short and pain-filled life can seem at times!

Present: After jury duty ended Friday night, I took off for the North Country to see my sister and brother-in-law in Canada. I love those two! It's truly a pleasure to spend time with them. I also spent a lot of time looking up at all the tall Dutch people they hang out with. I'm not sure I've ever been in the company of so many tall people at one time! Regardless of their height, though, their hospitality cannot be beat! Sunday was spent in the "traditional" fashion of the Canadian Reform Church, with church service in the morning, accepting an invite to coffee at someone's home, being offered a normal lunch of soup and rolls and engaging in lively conversation, before heading back to the afternoon church service. I can see the value and community-building ties of such traditions. My mind is cheerfully recalling the delightful faces and conversations of the weekend at present.

Future: This Saturday I leave for India to work in the Mother House of Mother Teresa's Missions of Charity in Kolkata. I seem to be bouncing back and forth between being neutrally excited and feeling emotionally drained and not wanting to put myself out there in the manner that I know cross-cultural experiences require. I'm wondering if I'm finally getting over my travel-bug. 7 1/2 years and 7 cross-atlantic trips since I was infected with this traipsing-tug, as much as I'm looking forward to the faces in India and the experience and the food, I also feel as if I could just hop in my car and drive around the Olympic Peninsula in search of quiet and peace. But knowing my nature a little, I doubt I'd be any more refreshed than the alternative of 2 weeks working in the Mother House, and a lot less would get accomplished. Since my tickets are bought and my immunizations are given, to India I go.

And that's it. There's nothing more I want to report or verbalize at this time. Have a great week!

Word Power

I'm a big fan of them. I have several painted onto the walls of my room. These are the ones I look at on a daily basis:

On my planner:

"Life's the Question; Love's the Answer."

"SERVE (today!)"

"i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)"

"Beautiful Redemption"

"Love God and do what you want"

"Many things will catch you eye, few will catch you heart - chase them"

"Love, Love, Love, Love, Love"

On the walls of my room:

"You make beauty from dust; You make beauty from us."

"The Lord will hold me close"

"For some the world's a treasure to discove - wonder and wander."

"Love endures (all things!)"

At my office:

" 1. the path is not straight

2. mistakes need not be fatal

3. people are more important than achievements and posessions

4. be gentle with your parents

5. never stop doing what you care most about

6. learn to use a semi-colon

7. you will find love"

In my wallet:

"The irony of committment is that it is deeply liberating - in work, in play, in love. The act frees you from the tyranny of your internal critic, from the feart that likes to dress itself up and parade around as rational hesitation. To commit is to remove your head as the barrier to your life."

I'm a word-kinda girl. Just like the sayings that get quoted about how the little thoughts we entertain determine our destiny (because they entertain bigger thoughts, and then big thoughts, and then actions, and then more actions, and decisions and big decisions and then eventually we realize all those things piled up have brought about our reality in life), I know that the words I surround myself with have the power to, ultimately, shape who I am. Maybe this is why Jesus is called "The Word," because words are THAT significant.

Lyrics in a song can make me cry from saddness when I'm blissfully happy, or laugh out loud when I'm entrenched in gloom. Words from a friend can brighten my day or terrorize it. Words have power - immense power. I use these quotes to help me wield that power in constructive ways in my life.

Panic at the disco

When I get tense and stressed about something, I think I respond three ways: First I want to talk about it with everyone. Then I want to talk about it with no one. Then I panic because there's something I'm stressed and tense about that is causing me to panic, and I'm not TALKING to anyone about it, so then I repeat. It's a vicious cycle.

Right now, I'm tense and stressed. I'm panicky. I can feel my cheeks getting warm, my heart starting to race, and nervous sweat under my armpits. I hate that. All three (because racing hearts are really only enjoyable when it's from massive quantities of energizing, stress-reducing exercise. Otherwise I'm not a fan).

I'm panicky because I'm caught between what I want and... what I want, actually. And what I want to want. And what I think other people want me to want, because that's part of my want to: the want to please them. And I want to want what they want me to want - or, controversially, I want what they don't want me to want or don't expect me to want just because it ISN'T pleasing them (OK, so I'm not a people pleaser ALL the time), but there are all these wants that I forget what it is I REALLY want... and I remember I don't KNOW what I really want, which is why I'm entertaining all these other wants in addition to my own wants (but still not the REAL wants - because those are inaccessible for some reason to my logical brain).

It's just a heart wanting. And I cannot identify it. I want to know what I want - I mean, what I REALLY want - but I don't seem to be capable of that.

Which leads me to feeling more panicky, and like I should talk about this obvious defect in me in hopes that someone will be able to tell me how to get rid of it.

Ten minutes of Tears

I saw this video on facebook. I just bawled for the entire 10 minutes it took to watch it. And then I started over and smiled my whole way through it for another 10 minutes. Maybe it's just the music!

Or maybe it's not. I think what really gets me about this video is the absolute abandon of love. The responses of the family members toward their returning soldiers is rather varied, from crying to laughing to screaming to looking shocked, etc. But every single one of them throws themselves into the arms of the soldiers and just holds on.

I've been reading a book called "The Sacred Romance" and I think my feelings toward this video are perfectly parallel to the thesis of that book (which is that we each long to be a part of a great Romance and a great Adventure). A part of me longs to be each one of the people stepping into the arms of their loved one - from the small little girl leaving Santa's lap to be held in her Daddy's arms, to the young woman who knocks her beloved's white cap off in the hotel hallway in her enthusiasm of seeing him and wrapping her arms around him. We are MADE to be in relationship with others. We are MADE to be tied to people with the enduring bonds of love.

Watching the video for the 2nd time (the smiling time!) made me come to the realization, though, that I AM a part of an epic Romance/Adventure that is symbolized on my computer screen right now.

The little kids who are just so thrilled to see their Daddys? That's me. Or, at least, it can be me! I have a Father who is always surprising me by his demonstrations of how he just wants to BE with me - he's not human, he doesn't have to leave and serve a deployment, but as much as each of the father's in this video exhibit longing to hold their kids, I know my Father is the same way. And what's cool is that I can respond however I want - I can run and leap into his arms like one of the little boys, I can just silently cry my way toward him like the first girl on the video; he's waiting. He's not going anywhere.

And, in addition, while my Father IS currently waiting, I also know that I'll be a bigger part of this story played out in the future. My Great Lover is temporarily absent from me - His presence is here, He writes me, He talks to me, His example is with me, my friends hear from Him, they tell me what they've heard, and He WILL be coming back. I don't know when, but we will be reunited someday. And it will be the most joyous of occassions!

At it's core, this video screams "RELATIONSHIPS!!!" at me. I think that's why I love it.

Sometimes I'm sidetracked. Sometimes I forget that relationships requires work. Mostly, they require me to put aside myself and focusing on the other person. What is best for them? What brings them joy? How can I serve their needs or be better and doing what they want? What's their agenda and how can I help them accomplish that?

I was grading math homework in the fishbowl room down the hall from my office yesterday, and I realized something that was, for me at least, significant: God has given each of us the right to decide whether to believe in Him or not. He gives us free choices. Free will. He didn't have to - he could have MADE us to believe in him, but I think because God is so relational, that wasn't going to cut it for him. It's like the difference between having a friend and having a dog. If I have a dog, I can let the dog into the backyard to play and poop, or take the dog for a walk, and I might even enjoy spending time with the dog, but (for me, at least!) the dog could NEVER take the place of a friendship where the other person CHOOSES to be with me. The dog is with me by default - it's a pet, it's my dog. But I'm not a default choice when my friend comes to my house or calls me up because they want to spend time with me.

Sometimes I think life would be easier if God made us his pets. If he just made the decision about what dog food we'd eat, whether we're going to be inside or outside, whether we're going to wear collars or not. Who we're going to hang out with. Who will be permanent parts of our lives or just temporary parts. But I don't think God would be satisfied with that, just like I'm not satisfied with just a dog.

Maybe God gives us free will because that's what makes HIM happiest! And, maybe he knows that when we're living out that free will in the way that is making him happy, as we're becoming more like him, we're going to be happiest too. Granted, it's a gamble. Our free will also makes Him saddest - such as when we don't choose him or wish to be with him or do things against what he wants us to do - but that saddness is going to potentially be part of the package IF he's going to have the happiness! He's going to KNOW whether we want to be with him or not, whether he's our priority (and so will the rest of the world!) based on the DECISIONS we make.

Maybe when we seek holiness and practice it, the byproduct is happiness. But maybe if we're primarily seeking OUR happiness, the byproduct is going to be sadness and loneliness. Hmm...

So, while the Romantic/idealistic/lover side of me is melting in tears by how my heart longs to be a part of the plot of this video, I'm also blissfully aware of the fact that I am already living it out. And God's ability to do that - and the fact that he WANTS to be a part of that story with me - is pretty cool.

IN the deep end: the shoe that (already) dropped

I was having a nice little chat after church today with my friends Adam and Denise. That's not atypical. I like Adam and Denise. I enjoy talking with them. I appreciate their perspectives.

Today, like usual, contained a conversation with them that made me think. Adam and Denise know my family and have watched some of the innerworkings and quirks that show up at family gatherings and birthday parties and casual bbqs, etc. They've known us for about 10 years, so they certainly have a breadth of perspective to pull from.

I think Adam and Denise kind of look at my sisters and brother and I as some kind of intruiging experiment. My parents' decision to homeschool us and growing up on a farm and traveling and the values we've been instilled with - they've mentioned before that they're curious to see how we all turn out. Because we're so different, but have been raised in this similar, unique environment. Perhaps we're just a prime observation point for what truly determins how people choose to live their lives: nature or nurture.

Adam made a comment today that made me laugh: he said, "I kind of just feel like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop with you girls. I'm waiting for one of you to go off the deep end. I mean, really, you guys make pretty stellar decisions - you know, compared to a lot of people your age. I can't help but wonder if it's all going to disappear at some point. Megan, she got married. I don't think any shoe is going to drop where she's concerned - she's pretty settled. But you and Heather, it's like it just SHOULD happen at some point!"

I found his comment funny. It's funny because other people have kind of said the same thing at different times in the past. It's funny because yes, he's right, Megan is pretty settled. It's funny because I think my parents live a little in fear of that very thing happening. But mostly it's funny because it's already happened.

I can't help but be a little surprised by people who think that "being a Christian" is boring. That it requires you to give up fun and excitement. That it limits your sense of self expression and extreme behavior and adrenhaline-pumping adventures.

Adam said, "I just keep waiting for you to announce you're going to take the next year to follow the Grateful Dead around the country or something, just because you want to party with them."

I countered, "Wait, isn't going off to Mother Teresa's Missions of Charity sort of like that? Those people are pretty grateful dead folks."

But he said, "No, Dani, because that's so LIKE you! To go travel, to do something that a lot of people might consider extreme, but to do humanitarian and altruistic work while you're at it. That's what you ALWAYS do!"

Which probably has some truth in it. But I think the truth comes from the fact that I'm already IN the deep end. The shoe ALREADY dropped. And the irony is that the deep end is living in an extreme place of surrender to God. The shoe that dropped is recognizing that I'm only of a miniscule fraction of importance on this planet. But yet, with that, I'm also capable of doing at least SOMEthing!

I heard once that if all of time thus far were put into the scope of 24 hours, my life would be something like 1/8th of a second long. One EIGHTH of a second! I don't think I even HEAR things for an eighth of a second. But yet, I want that entire eighth of a second to be bringing focus and praise to God. If I waste even a portion of my eighth of a second, that's taking the very little amount of time I have to yell "God!" at the top of my lungs, and diminishing it further. If I hestitate, my eighth is over. If I get distracted, my eighth is over.

I don't want to swim back to the shallow end - where I'm in easy water that doesn't challenge me or call me to dive in. I don't want to be hanging suspended, waiting for the inspiration to go live an extreme life to hit me. I want to be living in the experience of the challenge of deep water. I want to live in the freedom of being outside the confines of shoes of any kind.

God has called me to more than living a life focused on me, my feelings, my dreams, my preferences, my expectations, my pride, my anger, my bitterness. God has called me to live focused on Him. And I don't care if that's extreme. I don't care if that's outside the realm of "normal." I don't care if I get told I'm weird or strange or abnormal. I don't have time to worry about that in my eighth of a second!

1 Corinthians 13

Dani is patient. Dani is kind. Dani does not envy. Dani does not boast, isn't proud, or rude. Dani doesn't demand her own way. Dani is not irritable, and Dani doesn't keep any records of being wronged. Dani doesn't rejoice with injustice, but rejoices whenever the truth (and what is right) wins out. Dani never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.

That is an absolute lie. I cringe at how woefully inaccurate EACH of those phrases are. By the time I get toward the bottom of the list, I'm ready to put my head in my hands and sob.

But then I consider this:

Jesus is patient. Jesus is kind. Jesus doesn't envy or boast. Jesus isn't proud or rude. Jesus isn't self seeking. Jesus isn't easily angered, he keeps no record of wrongs. Jesus doesn't delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth. He always protects, always trusts, always hopes, and always perseveres.

Although I lift my head off my arms, grateful for the reminder of the acts of my Savior, I still hate the disconnect between what I am and what Jesus is.

And THEN I remember:

Jesus living IN Dani is patient. Jesus walking through life with Dani is kind. Jesus has shown and continues to remind Dani what it is like to go through life not being jealous of others or boasting over one's accomplishments. Jesus has every right to be, but chooses to not be proud toward Dani. Jesus has never, EVER been rude to her, and so she knows how she can act without being rude to others. Jesus living in Dani's life isn't self seeking or easily angered. Jesus has never kept tally of the wrong or mean things Dani has done to him, nor ever tattled to her about what other people have done to him. Jesus shows Dani how to be apposed to evil and supportive and delighted in the truth. Jesus always protects Dani, always trusts his Father that Dani will continue to change, he always hopes for the best (because he knows his Father is oh-so capable of it!), and never, ever gives up on what is good and true and right.

I can learn from Jesus. If I need a model, I can look to Jesus. If I need to check and see if what I'm doing is LOVING toward others, Jesus can tell me! His Spirit is leading me, if I will let myself be led.

And someday, SOMEday, if Jesus has his way, that first paragraph I wrote won't be a lie. It'll be the truth. Won't that be a good day?