Seeing Grey

My color quota was not filled today, for sure. I looked at a lot of grey. Lots and lots of grey. Concrete, to be exact. We had 12 (count them: TWELVE!!!! 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10,11,12) truckloads (we're talking those BIG ones that spin!) delivered to the farm today. They started coming about 8:30, and didn't stop until, like, 12:30. We have 1/3 of our new waste shed poured, so we only have to do that same thing 2 more times. And let me tell you, it was a long day! I actually got to escape for awhile and run into town to pick up a Fresno blade, but it was still long! And FREEZING too. I have been wearing 4 pair of pants all day (I finally shed the outermost layer, my overalls, when I realized they were practically stiff from the dried concrete) and 4 shirts, with a sweatshirt and coat over that. 2 pair of gloves, and 2 scarves, and 3 pair of socks too... Even in the house it's been cold. I hate to sound whiny, but I really dislike cold. I am COMPLETELY uninspired to do anything resembling physical activity outside in this kind of weather! And I'm not going to join a gym either. Actually, I don't mind walking when its cold, but running is just a pain. I put on enough clothes to barely be warm when I start, then I run and I'm too hot and my clothes are suffocating me, and then when I'm done, everything is sweaty so it gets cold really fast. Yeah, I just don't like it! On top of that, I end up burying myself underneath layers of clothing, so I don't even care if my clothes don't fit quite the way they should, because nobody sees anyhow!

Ahh the struggles of being a teenage girl.... Speaking of that, I'm only going to be a teenager for another 13 months, which does actually seem like a rather long time, but I know it won't be when I get there. My 19th birthday is at the end of January (the 29th to be exact! I love birthday wishes, fyi!). I think 19 is kind of a dud birthday. 18 is big because you are a legal adult, you can buy tobacco products, all that kind of stuff. And 20 is big because you're no longer a teenager... but 19? That's just college freshman age! :-) Which I'm not, so that is kinda nice... :-)

Speaking of college, my plans have changed AGAIN, and I'm going to continue at the CC for another quarter full time. I'm also taking one class at WSU, a class that I'm actually excited about too, which is good. But then after winter quarter is done, I won't go back for spring quarter, I'll just finish up my one class at WSU, then take off for Africa, Lord-willing. Since I'll be in Africa a good chunk of my summer, this will allow me a little more time to work and earn some cash before I leave. I'm excited, I am rather burned out on school, so this will allow me to have an end goal in mind that seems fairly achievable, and I can also work part time, and I won't be jumping in over my head into a new school for only 4 1/2 months. I'll still be at the school I've come to love and feel at home at.

I think I'm going to try to take up swimming this quarter too. Early morning lap times, probably. Running is OK, but I'm just not being consistant enough with it (see up a couple paragraphs!). Swimming might be my solution... It's fairly warm, it's a great full-body work out, and it isn't hard on the joints, which is nice too. Only problem? I have to pay money to do it, but I think I'll start small and see if I even want to get into it, and won't go buying a year long pass or anything. Actually, that would be pointless because I'm not going to be here for a year anyhow. Wow, that's a weird thought too! :-)

I'm going to go make fruit pizza... I know, it's JUST what I need! ;-)

New Pics!

Here's some new photos... Enjoy!

I love surprises! :-)

The makings of Illuminate Me

In Luzern last summer

My siblings with my cool cousin Reid!

I think this one looks artsy or something... :-)

Heather is all dressed up purdy in this pictures, and I'm in my pajamas... go me! :-)

Arabic alcohol and awkward moments...

I have a cup of Arabic alcohol steaming hot beside my laptop sitting here at my dining room table. Arabic alcohol is better known as coffee - but I was just reading someplace the other day that since Muslims aren't permitted to drink wine, they drink coffee instead... And coffee used to be known as Arabic alcohol.... I don't know if it is true, but I liked the sound of it! I guess they both are capable of giving you a buzz, albeit different kinds. Well, actually I don't know from personal experience, as I've drank wine, like, twice in my life and it certainly wasn't enough to get anything that I would call "a buzz." And coffee, well, I drink it sometimes, in phases usually, for awhile it's hot tea, then coffee, then hot water... but caffeine rarely makes that big of an impact on me.

Anyhow, onto the awkward moments thing. They also have a different name, actually, popularly known in some circles as "Melvin Moments." Melvin is the awkward turtle that comes out and swims around a bit whenever things get to be a bit awkward. He resides the rest of the time either on my myspace or in my car hanging on a leash around my rearview mirror.

So, I've had a fair share of awkward moments in my lifetime, I think everybody does. But I usually try to forget them! One situation that regularly turns awkward for me, however, relates to the doctor. I've known our doctor for years, and really like her. In fact, I worked in her office for about 18 months, between volunteering and actually working part time, early in my high school career. I left on good terms, of course, and my family regularly gets invited to their Christmas Season open house, and we see them at soccer games and grocery shopping and good stuff like that. I don't really have problems with the doctor herself actually... oh, let me explain, this is getting confusing!

Awhile ago I had to get a blood draw. It wasn't just ANY blood draw, however, it was a blood draw to get a pregnancy test. Now, I'm not pregnant, nor do I intend to GET pregnant ANYtime soon, nor am I at risk of BECOMING pregnant! For the record, I'm waiting for my first KISS until my wedding day, so I wouldn't say I'm a likely candidate for pre-marital sex... BUT, of course, not everyone has the same standards I have.

Anyhow, I called to make the appointment for a blood draw, and they asked what the blood draw was for. Have you ever had to say "It's for a pregnancy test."? yeah, talk about weird! I don't even know the office staff at the office anymore, so that makes it more uncomfortable. See, if it had been the people I had worked with, they would have laughed and said "really, Danielle?! I just KNEW that was coming!" and I would have been comfortable explaining the situation to them (which I haven't explained yet, sorry! It's for some medication that has potentially horrible side affects to unborn babies, so they screen everyone who wants to go on it). But when you don't know the people, and they're trained to treat everyone professionally, they don't do any teasing or make any comments that you feel you can say "No, it isn't like that... here's the deal." Instead, they're completely accepting of it, and you feel like you're suddenly being silently judged! It's weird! Fortunately, since the doctor DOES know me, I don't actually have any problems with her personally. She knows that it is simply a hoop I had to jump through. In fact, one time when I'd had the test done, she came into the room and said "Well, Danielle, I'm sure you'll be surprised by this, but it's negative." And we had a good laugh about it.

So anyhow, I had to go in for a pregnancy test blood draw again today, but this time I was going to a different lab. It had finally become natural and un-awkward (I don't think that's actually a word, but I just made it one!) to go into the office of my regular doctor, because either I'd told the main people at the office, or the doctor had mentioned it to them, but they knew that it wasn't for the NORMAL reason women get pregnancy tests! But then I had to switch to the other lab. I went in with my slip of paper ordering the test, and had it to the gal at the counter. "Hi, I need to get my blood drawn" I told her. She was like, "OK, let me get some info from you." So she asked all the typical questions: what's your address, phone number, etc...

Then she asked my age, my relationship status, and religious preference. I answered "I'm 18, I'm single, and my religious preference is Christian." And suddenly I felt like "Wow, this could be a prime reason why people don't have respect for Christians. I'm an unmarried teenager, claiming to be a Christian, in here to get a pregnancy test." Of course, did I explain WHY I was getting the test done to her? No. Should I have? I don't know. I mean, it isn't really her business, but maybe I should have told her anyhow. Sigh. Talk about an awkward moment!

I had another moment that COULD have been awkward today, but it wasn't. I was in the grocery store picking up laundry detergent, and I ran into the wife of my ex-boyfriend's co- worker. Complicated, I know! But I've figured out life gets that way when boyfriends/girlfriends and/or EX boy/girl friends become a part of your life. I mean, I didn't "date" anyone until I was 18, so for awhile it was just weird to think in terms of "I have a boyfriend." In fact, I had a whole "terminology issue" going on for awhile.... but that's another issue! Maybe I'll get into it later :-) But what's even weirder is thinking in terms of "I have an EX-boyfriend." Yeah, odd. Fortunately, I still think he's a pretty nice guy, and the people he works with are pretty cool too, so running into his co-workers wife wasn't that bad.

In fact, I was genuinely pleased to see her, as I haven't really talked to anyone at his work place since we broke up. I always liked her and enjoyed talked with her anyhow, AND she has the CUTEST little girl EVER, so it was fun to see how she (the daughter) had changed in the past couple months. It was funny though. When I walked out of the grocery store it suddenly hit me how blessed I am. I mean, I could have been in a relationship that just ended altogether badly, and caused a rift of anger, bitterness, or hatred between everyone who knows me and everyone who knows him... but that wasn't the case. Or, at least I haven't got that feeling! Yes, there is obviously a little bit of separation that happens when two people who were together kind of go their own ways, typically with his friends seeing less of her, and vice versa... But at least there isn't, like, animosity between the people that have been friends with him and then gotten to know me... or at least not that I've sensed. Maybe there is, and they're hiding it well, but if that's the case, I'd rather just live in my little naive bubble! I HATE it when people are upset at me.

But that's something else I've learned about in the past little bit. You can't always control what people think of you... in fact, I'm convinced that in my case, it may have been an issue of pride that God has had to work with me on. I've always been a person who has had high standards, idealistic, and I regularly have people say "I want my kids to be like you when they grow up." I think I'd begun to take pride in the fact that people saw me as a role model. I mean, I have good grades, I've never done anything massively stupid like go off the deep end rebelling or anything, I get along with my parents and siblings most of the time, I played sports and did fairly well in them, I've been a student leader in my youth group, I'm artistic, creative, inventive, intelligent, unique, and fairly responsible. (Wow, OK, I feel very egocentric for explaining all of that, but PLEASE believe me that I didn't write it with the intention of bragging!)

Anyhow, I've also been fairly outspoken about the "pitfalls of dating when you're too young to consider marriage" and stuff like that. Obnoxiously so, as a matter of fact. But I always thought MY love story would unfold exactly how I planned it... I would meet an awesome guy between the ages of 18 and 22, we'd "court" for awhile, see God was clearly directing us together, and get married. Storybook romance. It's read like THE perfect example of "Waiting for God's Best" and "Setting an example for people to follow" etc. but..... not everything goes according to plans! I've decided it's great to have theories, but when those theories have to hit the road and actually DRIVE, well, you have to keep your toolkit handy in case a tire comes off or the steering isn't quite right.

Unfortunately, when you're outspoken about things, people have a tendancy to say "OK, I'm going to watch you and see how this works for you." And that's when my pride (and competative nature!) thinks "You just wait. I'm going to prove that my way is the best here." Well, at least that's how it worked for me! So, dating someone and then breaking up with them was like a spotlight highlighting some of my very obvious faults... like pride in doing things "The BEST way" which, in all reality, was simply MY idea of what was best. Now, I'm not saying I'm throwing out my theories all together, or don't see any purpose in praying about and for my future husband. Heck, I still have full intentions of keeping my standards just as high as always, and not getting into dating relationships just because I'm bored or anything. I still won't consider dating someone I wouldn't be interested in marrying, as a matter of fact. But, I have learned that a) I was judgemental about people who have been in more than one relationship. and b) sometimes God has plans that are WAY different from mine! :-) Duh!

See, I kind of thought that the TRULY spiritual were so intune to God that they wouldn't make stupid choices like dating the "wrong" person. I also didn't think that God would "intend" to have someone date a person they weren't going to marry. But, like I said, I've had to re-do my theories! I don't understand everything, for sure. I mean, a part of me wishes I hadn't had the experience of dating someone I'm not going to marry, simply because I would have liked to share ALL of that with my future husband.... BUT, at the same time, an even BIGGER part of me is SO blessed by having the chance to date my ex-boyfriend. I mean, not only have I learned some important things about relationships in general, and obviously God has used it to teach me some MUCH needed lessons, but I also had a heck of a lot of fun with my ex. Good fun, clean fun. And great talks. He introduced me to so many things that I may not have had the chance to experience, like weird foods and vintage candy bars, and different types of music, and movies, and political ideas, and all that kind of stuff. Would I really want to trade all of that to be the "mature role model" I thought I was? HECK NO! Because, in reality, I wasn't as mature as I thought! Or as much of a role model either!!!

But it has been a little hard to think of myself as a "failure," not only for me, but for what I perceive other people to think of me. BUT, as I mentioned, I'm learning that you simply cannot always control what other people think. On top of that, it really shouldn't concern me that much if other people think badly of me. Don't get me wrong, I DO want to be an example (1 Timothy 4:12), but I don't want to be a PROUD example. There's a big difference, I believe! Have I made mistakes? You betcha. Do I regret those mistakes? Absolutely. BUT, at the same time, by making the mistakes, I've learned that it is indeed possible for not only me but other people to make mistakes, and I believe God has used the experience to give me a greater mercy for other people as I have had to face God in need of his mercy. I hope I've learned that, at least. And I think I'm learning to deal with all parts of relationships (learning as in STARTING to learn!) in a proper manner. I can thank God for the blessings, confess my shortcomings, thank him for his mercy and forgiveness, and then move on. You can't hold on to the past, either the good or the bad. Both can enrich your lives, but it must be in the proper manner.

OK, I'm getting theoretical (or I guess hypothetical would be the correct term!) again... I usually end up doing this, don't I?! :-) So I'm gonna stop now! Wow, we've covered a lot of ground... coffee to Melvin to preganancy tests to my ex-boyfriend to lessons I've been learning... I don't know if you enjoyed it, but I appreciate the chance to organize my thoughts and put them on a page. Thanks for sticking with me so long folks! I hope you have a wonderful evening!

Am I turning into a Hippie? No, I guess not...

I pulled on an interesting outfit this evening... why? Because I felt like it! I'm totally lovin' the layer look. I've got a grey guys tank top, with a white tank top with black screen print on front over the top, with a white longsleeve, hooded t-shirt over that. I'm wearing my new sheepskin boots that I picked up at Costco the other day (SOOO warm!), and two skirts... One is white, the other is a little shorter and is a dark teal. Actually, I have no idea why I just told you all of that, but I did! Sorry! It's a bit odd and crazy, I know, but surmise it to say, that is the way I am! In case you hadn't figured it out! haha

Christmas dinner is over. We had my dad's parents, my mom's mom, two of my great aunts, and a neighbor who would have spent today alone over for dinner. It was a relatively small group, but fun, nonetheless. Dinner was delicious. I finally walked with Mom today, and then ran the three miles home, so I feel little better about balancing all the high-calorie food I've eaten this weekend, but I just added more to it with dinner! I think next year we should have, like, turkey breast sandwiches on pita bread with spinach salad and water and celery or something... None of this greasy dressing, sugary yams, or buttery potatoes! And DEFINITELY no dessert! Or, maybe fresh fruit or something. :-) It'll never happen, but maybe when I have my own family we'll do that. :-) And yes, you can feel sorry for them!

Speaking of having a family, I picked up The Family Stone in California on sale. It isn't a movie I would recommend to everyone, so if you're interested in seeing it, let me know and I'll give you the run-down... but it is a movie I enjoy for several reasons! The biggest one being because it is about a family. An odd/eccentric/weird family, but still a family. There is the professor father, and the completely abstract and crazy mother, and their 5 kids, one is ready to get married to a stiff, rather stuffy young New Yorker that he brings home for Christmas. One is married with one child and another on the way. One is gay and is in a steady relationship with another gay guy. One is an artistic/hippy kind of guy who lives in California and has the Hawaiian "hang-loose" attitude. And the youngest is a brat who basically makes life for the girlfriend miserable, along with the help of her mother. I love the family dynamics, how everyone argues and fights and hits each other upside the head. How they live in this huge house were everyone's bedroom reflects their character, and when the family comes home for Christmas they move back in. They hug, they laugh, they cry, their defensive and loving and protect their family intensely. I want to have a big family like that someday. Adoption is good, though....

Oh, man, Olivia just threw up, fun. I guess this comes with a large family too, eh? And amazingly, life goes on! I remember how everything seemed to kind of come to a halt when someone was sick, but not any more. I don't know if it is more kids or just kids getting older or my parents getting more experienced with parenting or what, but we just give her a bowl, ask if she's alright, get her some water and sprite, tuck her into bed, and go back to the movie we're watching. I want my kids to someday have that kind of environment to grow up in. Supportive, loving, kind, but also realizing the world does not revolve around them. Teaching them that you get sick, then you get over it. You have problems, but you gotta deal with them. Wait, I guess I'm still learning that lesson, aren't I? When I hit a rough patch in the road, I want everyone to stop and sympathize and feel sorry for me. But in reality I don't REALLY want that, you know? Because that's putting me in the WRONG place. That's taking God out of the center of focus and putting me in it. And I know that is wrong, and would really be detrimental in the long run!

One last thought. Red meat is totally grossing me out right now. If you have any idea how criminal it is in my family to make that statement, you'd be amazed that I would! No, it isn't that bad, actually, but we do have a farm... which means we have our own beef cattle. And our meat is good, it really is, but it just doesn't interest me right now. We had steak for dinner the other night, and I couldn't even eat it. All I had were the baked potatoes and steamed veggies, the meat just looked and smelled disgusting. I'm not, like, actually "becoming" a vegetarian, don't worry, for all you meat enthusiasts! But I am focusing on chicken and turkey for meat, I think! Maybe I should look at soy for protein too... Hmmm, that's a thought!

Anyhow, I'm not REALLY turning into a Hippie... I'm not going to go get stoned or anything stupid. I just look like eonee right now! :-) But it's rather hard to write this, answer my Mom's questions about the movie, AND try to watch it all at once... So I'll go for now! Hope your Christmas was wonderful! :-)

Wow, it's 1:43AM

How did it get to be so late? And, on top of that, I HAVEN"T GONE RUNNING SINCE THURSDAY!!! Ugh, I feel incredibly lazy! Of course, I know it's my fault... I have just been lazy, actually. And our neighbors were super sweet and brought us this huge tray of Christmas goodies, and do I have the self control to stay away from them? Nope. Not at all! Ahh well, I guess you only live once. Not to completely find the easy way out, but a couple days of eating sugary and buttery stuff and not running won't kill me or add 50lbs to my body. Maybe 10, though... :-)

So tonight we had dinner at my uncle and aunts (Taco Soup... I LOVE Taco Soup!), and we played card games for a long time. I also finally got my cousin Valerie's pictures from our Italy trip this summer (oh, I should upload some, shouldn't I?), which means eventually I'll be able to get started on my scrapbook... soon. :-) Anyhow, I'm not a big card player, but I love this new game our friends introduced to us last night. It's nertz with partners and an element of double solitaire. It's intense, crazy, fun, and cards fly absolutely everywhere. I love it. I hate card games when you have to sit and wait your turn to be involved... it's boring and tedious. But when everyone is racing to get to a certain points, and especially when you've got partners to work with, THAT is what I call fun!

My little brother and sister are so excited about Christmas tomorrow. They declared that they were going to come in and wake us up early so we can open stockings and gifts together, since we do it as a family... Then we can go back to bed if we want, they told us. I've never had a problem waiting for presents or being surprised. Maybe I'm just not too much of a naturally curious person or something. At least not when it comes to stuff. People and information and how things work, those things interest me more than physical presents.

I'm freezing, again. I don't really enjoy being cold, so I think I'll go pull on a sweatshirt, wrap my gifts, and go to bed, as it is rather late. Have a wonderful Christmas!

Huh

I was just reading the "Blogger Buzz" on the opening page when I log into Blogger Beta, and it was talking about how Blogger Beta is now on the out, and some new kind of blogger is coming in. Then it compared the two to... something! I'm not quite sure, actually. It sounded like a video or x-box or computer game in old version versus new version. I'm so out of date on all this stuff. I had to ask someone today what "Emo" means... I didn't know! Sorry! I'm just so un "hip" and "in" (and yes, I'm sure those words are obsolete (sp?) too!).

The secret is finally out, if there is anyone around here who cares to read this blog and find out! Operation:Surprise is DONE, and my very first music "album," titled "Illuminate Me" is finished! I'll sell it to you for $10 plus shipping if you're interested... Sounds enticing, doesn't it?! :-) Or, you can go to my music artist myspace: www.myspace.com/dlouisemusic and hear a sampling of 4 songs for free. Yeah, fun stuff!

We had my Dad's side of the family's Christmas get-together today, and ate pizza. It's crazy how the family has grown over the years... My Dad is the youngest in his family by 9 years, so all my cousins are older than I am, so I don't remember when they were young. But when I was young, and they were in high school and college, it seems like it was a much smaller gathering. Well, obviously! Now they've gotten married and had kids and bring their own families to the Christmas dinner. And we talk really loud and wave our hands around and laugh and have fun. It's great. I enjoy my family a lot... most of the time!

We spent all evening up at our neighbor's house, cuz their son and daughter-in-law and two grandkids were doing their annual trek from their home to Portland. It was terrific seeing them and catching up with them. We went to Spain with their family several years ago, and ever since then they've been some of my favorite people. We played card games and talked... what better way is there to spend a Saturday night?!

I'm singing at church tomorrow, one of the songs I wrote, in fact. I don't have it very well rehearsed, though, since the version on the CD was like a first or second time through version... just a demo, really. The music certainly isn't anything of tremendous achievement, but it's a start, darn it! :-)

I'm still a bit melancholy. I'm praying about whether or not I'll go back to school after Christmas or not. I'd be transfering into a new school that I'm only really gonna be at for one semester anyhow, and I'm SO SICK OF SCHOOL right now. Actually, it isn't that I'm sick of it in a "I hate spending my time here" but I'm just sick of it as in "Wow, so this is what I have to do for the next 2 years. This is NOT what I WANT to be doing, for sure!" I'd like to feel like I had a CHOICE of some kind, but I don't feel like I do. I'm seriously tempted to try to find a job that's kind of minimum wage, not terribly advanced, and lets me just get bored with working for awhile. I honestly think with a little time off, and a little money in my bank account, I'd be more excited about the chance to go back to school. As it is, I have scholarship money, and money I have earmarked for going to Africa this summer, but I have, like, very little money for paying for gas and books and the increase in my insurance if it goes up from my ticket. I'm stressed about that, especially seeing how I will be commuting TWICE as far to school 2 days a week if I continue with school, AND, I won't have the chance to earn any money this summer, really, since I'll be doing volunteer work. That leaves me in a very poor state of being for the next good while. And not that I mind being poor, but I feel irresponsible when I have so little money. Like, I should be doing something more to earn it! And there are some things that I'd really like to do in the next couple months, without feeling like I need to be focused on school. I know that isn't an excuse to quit school, but it is kind of a bonus to think of if I don't do it. Yes, I'd be working a lot (provided I could get a job!), but I hope I wouldn't have, like, homework and stuff to deal with! I want to direct a play, and I want to work more on recording music, and writing songs, and really building some solid friendships, being mentored by some strong Christians, and get plugged in someplace that I could be pouring into some other people's lives. My walk with Jesus has been completely neglected the past couple months, which I realize is totally my fault. But I'm a little scared that if I continue at the pace I'm going, involved with secular ideas on a secular campus, I'll finish my schooling but completely loose my faith. And obviously, if I can loose it that easily it isn't very strong, which is why I really feel this might be a good time to GET strengthened. I'd have a specific time to really focus on it, which I think woul be really good for me right now.

I don't know... it seems like a big move, and obviously would delay my graduating a lot... But is it worth it to graduate without feeling like I've accomplished anything? Sure, I'll have sat through a bunch of classes, written a bunch of papers, and got a sheet that says I earned my Bachelor's Degree... but will I have ACCOMPLISHED anything? I don't know! People say "in order to make your dream reality, you have to start working towards it NOW" but I don't know WHAT my dream is! I have a lot! And there's too many to focus on at once, and I don't know which one to focus on now! I want to travel, I want to make more music, I want to live abroad, I want to design clothes, I want to get married, have a family, live outside of the Northwest... there are a lot of things I'd like to do, that I really want to do... but which of these are things that are just desires, and which are dreams? Is there a difference? What is God CALLING me to do? I don't know! It's all so jumbled and crazy... I hate it! But, I also kind of like it, because it leaves everything open, and I can wait in "breathless anticipation" for what is going to happen next...

I think that's about all for now. Today has been a little bit of a bummer, because I was supposed to be flying to Hawaii for the week this weekend... but that's another story! I made my choice, life happened, and now I have to live with it. It's just hard to face it sometimes. Oh, gosh, listen to me! One moment I want to be an adult, the next I feel like I want to kick and scream about how life unfolds like a child throwing a temper tantrum... It's crazy! I think I'm going to shut up right now and go read my Bible... maybe I'll get some perspective that way! Take it easy, everyone :-)

Photograph

If you want to envision me right this minute, here's what I'm doing.

I'm sitting on our love seat, with the charger for my laptop plugged in about a mile away across the room, and it is stretched to its maximum so i can sit here and type away with it plugged in, since my battery is low. Weird, I know, but simply how I work!

I'm wearing threadbare black sweats with blue and cream paint splashes on it from several painting pojects several YEARS ago. Nope, i don't get rid of clothes fast! Because they're so thin, I've got my bright red track tights on underneath, cuz I went running and wanted a little more warmth without the bulk (wow, that totally sounds like a microfleece advertisement!).

I'm only wearing 2 shirts at the moment, which is amazing... usually I've got a couple hundred on. One is red, and the one underneath is white. The top one has reflector strips on it.

I've got my feet, in my blue and white running shoes propped up on the coffee table, actually on top of my Bible, which is on top of a huge volume titled "the Complete Works of Shakespeare" which is on top of a big, fat scrapbook. Yeah, that's what you call pecarious (how do you spell that word anyhow?) I was listening to 519 by Matt Wertz, then I listened to Out of My League by Stephen Speaks, then Savin' Me by Nickelback, and now I'm listening to Far Away by Nickelback, 'cept it keeps skipping on me, which is highly annoying!

Our house is freezing, i just decided that. Although the Christmas tree across the room does look beautiful. Wait, I don't think those two things had anything to do with each other... odd how random my brain can be at times!

I've decided there are a lot of musicians out there, and they have a lot to offer. It's pretty cool to listen to music that you can connect with... but it can be overwhelming to try to take them all in. There's just SO MANY talented people out there! So much to offer and so little time!!!!! AHhhhh, I'm on overload!

OK, time to go get productive. Take it easy!

Frusterations with a cup of tea

I just put the teakettle on so I can make myself some peppermint tea to sip whilst I write this. Be forwarned... this may very well be a blog entirely composed of complaining. So, if you don't want to hear about it, just exit now!

I hate Christmas right now. I know that is a very Scrooge-ish thing to say, but it is also the truth at the moment. Don't get me wrong, I like having Christmas break and all, but it is also driving me crazy. I'll go into details why, don't worry! But for right now, I'll focus on Christmas itself....

1 - everybody tries to be in a good mood, but everybody actually tends to be way stressed out. Like, I just don't get that! I mean, the stress is there, for sure. Literally all I've done for gift giving for Christmas is Operation:Surprise, and I don't even know if anyone will actually like it, much less want to get it for Christmas! I feel like I'm taking a rather large gamble with it! But, I don't really have the money or the ideas to go out and buy little gifts for everyone else. And, I'm not sure if I should just wrap up one finished project from Operation:Surprise and give it to my entire family, or if I should give one to everyone... I'm not sure.

Oh, pause, I need to go turn the teakettle off.... OK, I'm back. I thought we were out of Peppermint tea for a moment, and I was going to be sad, but then I found some... the last bag. Mental note to self: go buy peppermint tea!

On top of that, there is nothing that I really want for Christmas. Our room, which I usually share with Heather, but now is also the temporary home for Megan, is practically overflowing with stuff. So I don't want any THING really, cuz I don't want to deal with where to put it!

OK, so why am I going crazy right now? Christmas break means there's no set routine, really... And I have to be a home a lot. I get along great with my parents, don't get me wrong, and usually I like to discuss my life with them and get their advise... but when I'm home all day every day, that "closeness" just becomes an irritation! Tuesday night I came home from Bible Study, and my Mom was in bed. But as soon as she heard me walk in, this quiet, but oh-so-persistent voice calls from her room. "Dhah-nnee?" I was not in the mood to talk, at all. My Mom takes special interest in how Tuesday night Bible Studies go for reasons I won't go into right now, and she usually wants to know about what we discussed and how everyone is doing and all that kind of stuff. I don't know if I'd just cracked, or it just came on a bad day, or what, but I simply didn't want to talk about it! With so little school I've been doing a lot of thinking, and I wasn't ready to share all my thoughts... especially not at midnight when I was hungry (no dinner) and tired. So I tried to get the hint across by responding in mono-syllable answers, but when she wouldn't stop asking questions, I was like "Mom, I really don't want to discuss anything about this with you right now." Which, of course, just prompted her curiosity and she was all like "well, did something happen? Is everything OK?" which was even more irritating.

So then the next morning, she brings it up again! And I tell her calmly, "Mom, I already told you, I do not want to discuss this with you. No, nothing 'happened', it was a usual Bible Study, I just don't want to talk about it. Can you respect my need for some solitude here?" So she grudgingly was OK with it, but then, it's like she has to punish me for blocking her out or something. She was reading a thank you card that some people sent us after their wedding, and my Grandma had brought it up to the house because it was mailed to her house. She was closing the thank you card and starting to read the update letter they had enclosed. I'd been reading the card over her shoulder, so when she started to close it, I reached for it. Mom snatches it back from me and says "Honey, I could argue that this is my mail and you don't have a right to read it, because that is how you and your sisters seem to think things work, but I won't do that." So I was like, "Fine, Mom, I don't have to read it. Whatever." But I don't think it was fair of her to make that accusation, as that ISN'T how I am about everything! In fact, I've let her read a TON more emails than my sisters do! But that's beside the point...

And now I've got this annoying situation with WSU going on. OK, so I got my application for Spring Semester in, like, 3 days past the priority deadline. I wasn't really concerned about it, because I thought "Oh, well, it's almost the priority deadline, so surely it won't take them that long to process things." The priority deadline was November 15th. I guess I'm just used to private or community college efficiency, as it took WSU until December 10th or something to get my application processed. Unfortunately, I left for a week in that time period, so I couldn't make an appointment to meet with my advisor until I got home. Then when I did, I found out I needed to pay a $200 deposit on my tuition. So I had the advising appointment last Thursday, and I got a ticket coming home. There was that crazy windstorm, Thursday night, and nothing much happened on Friday. Saturday we took my cousin to the airport and visited with my Grandparents in the hospital, so it wasn't until Monday that I wrote the check and mailed it. Now it's Thursday, and they still hadn't got the check when I called. So, I finally just made the payment online, so I should be cleared to sign up for classes tomorrow, but in the meantime, two of the four classes I as interest in have filled up... On top of that, I'm not going to have enough money when they go to cash my check, so I need to go make a deposit, which I don't really want to do, because that involves driving into town... Grr!

So Mom just like lays into me today about how I should have been more on top of things earlier, and how I'm acting just like an unsavory person we know who never seems to plan ahead and get things done. "You have to work ahead of the curve, Danielle!" She told me... This goes clear back to that darn application and how you should have sent it in earlier." But sometimes it doesn't always work that well to do that! I have a prime example, but I don't want to have to explain it on here right now, so just trust me... sometimes waiting until the last minute really is better!

Ugh, I just hate how unsettled I feel right now. And I could ignore it or not notice it too much while I was in the middle of school, but when I don't have that distraction, I find myself at loose ends... Yes, this is home, but it sure isn't too homey at the moment! But I know I have to put up with it for another couple months. Then I'm going to be one place this summer, and then moving to California next fall, most likely. It's all so complicated. One of the books I read was about the mental demands on people in Western Society nowdays, anyone from a teenager to an advanced adult... and basically no matter what age or development we're at, it's usually more than what we really are all that capable of handling. I think some overload is good, because that's how you are strengthened... but where do you draw the line as being too much? At what point has that stretching experience elevated to being completely overwhelmed? Is it when you feel overwhelmed? That doesn't seem really reasonable, because feelings shouldn't be the basis of most things. But how else are you supposed to realize when you're completely overwhelmed?

Total different train of thought, I thought of one thing that I'd like for Christmas. But it isn't possible, so it's pointless to want it anyhow... but at least I do have one thing that I recognize would be nice!

So my tea is actually quite gross, go cheap peppermint tea. I have to go out and go through chickens, make a deposit, and I really want to go talk to someone who might understand me and not judge me... but isn't that what everyone wants? So far I haven't found it, though, and I'm beginning to loose hope that I ever will.

So my word of advice? Try to take it easy and don't get stressed... because I think stress has a way of rubbing off an people, and it isn't any fun!

So much to say... so little time :-)

OK, internet is back, yay! Some things to cover today:

1 - Meg is home! We had an adventuresome night trying to get her home Thursday. She was supposed to fly into PDX, but then got moved to Seattle. The wind was fierce, apparently the worst wind storm in the past decade. Anyhow, we drove to Portland, then almost up to Seattle to finally get her. The cool thing was, though, that my cousin, Reid, had come home from Cali with Heath and I, so he surprised her when we finally got her at, like, 1:30AM Friday morning. See, Heath and I stopped in Davis to see our cousins,Reid and his sister Kelly, and we made a spontaneous decision for Reid to drive home with us. It was really nice to have a 3rd driver when we drove through the night on Tuesday. So we got home to our area Wednesday afternoon, and he stayed until Saturday night. He experienced the wind storm, and watched the Nativity movie with us, and power outage, and a tree landing on the edge of our house... it was an eventful time! Oh, and my ticket THursday. Anyhow, he finally made it home safe and sound Saturday night after a 4 hour delay leaving Portland. We basically had a blast with him. He's my 3rd cousin, technically. It's been, like, 8 years since we've seen him or his sister, but we picked up right where we left off, it was great. He cut down trees with Max and Liv, and played tons of card games with all of us. It was a good week!

OK, the Nativity Movie. It was good, I thought. One thing I hadn't realized was the oppression teh Jews were experiencing under the Roman rule, but we had a good discussion (my family) about how that was probably true. It was just cool to imagine some scenery and even people to fit into the story.

Operation: Surprise is ALMOST done. I mean, we're SO close to being finished! It's a good feeling, for sure. We've put a lot of time and attention and effort into it... I just hope my family actually likes it! I mean, it would be a bummer to me if they totally hated it, or if they felt it was a complete waste of time. It hope they are as excited about it as I am.

I've discovered Yellow Card. I like the sound of their music a lot. Especially the violin mixed in, iit's very unique. I'm watching one of their music video's right now, though, and the lead singer might ruin it for me... The music is better without knowing some things, I think!

OK, it's late (or early, however you look at it), andI'm awfully tired. I went to hang out at some friend's house tonight, it was fun. It's been a while since I've seen them. I helped them with a project (A Christmas Production they are putting on). I was cutting out angel wings, and I thought we might have time to sew them, but it didn't work out that way... but I got them cut ouot for them! They have a precious little 18 month old, Chase, who is absolutely ADORABLE! I mean, he's precious! My heart just melts when he smiles and his little blue eyes sparkle and his dimples flash... he's a sweetheart! And a charmer, for sure! It makes me want to have kids, but not for awhile yet! A long while, I think :-). I want to live someplace warm and away from home, and finish school, and live overseas... yeah, and all that's before I really settle down! I have to get married in there at some time, since I'm not into the whole single parenting thing!!! So for now, I'll just appreciate my friend's kids... which is awfully good too!

For real, I'm going to bed now! Later!

Whew!

SUPER quick, cuz I'm about to leave a coffe shop that I'm checking my internet on (none at home)...

1 - My sister came home!

2 - I got a costco membership!

3 - a tree came down beside my house and almost took out my bedroom!

That's all!

A flaw.....

ON MY RECORD, DANGIT! I'm so ticked right now, I could scream. Well, actually I'm calming down, but never mind.

First, thanks Paul for filling me in on how to do that whole not having to sign in twice thing. :-)

Second. I was pulling onto I-205 today from Costco and... oh, never mind. Go to www.myspace.com/daniL012988 and read my blog. It gives all the details.... about my stupid SPEEDING TICKET I just received today. Yes, me. I'm mad. It totally wasn't fair. I'd JUST gotten on the freeway, and THERE WASN"T ANY POSTED SPEED LIMIT SIGNS BEFORE I GOT PULLED OVER. But did I think to tell the cop that? Or tell him I was just trying to get away from the truck splash? Or tell him I HAD NOT A CLUE WHAT THE SPEED LIMIT WAS? Nope. I just froze. And he wrote me a stinkin' $90 ticket and told me to have a good day. Like I'm going to have a good day after that! Ugh. I just wanted to cry! Still do, as a matter of fact!!!

OK, I'm going to stop complaining now! I'm just going to go.

The end of the road

I drove a lot the last week. A total of about 3,000 miles, I believe, although I haven't calculated it all out yet. I'm a litte sick of my car... but I still heart my Green Thing Probie. It's a good car!

California was awesome. After we left our cousins (see last blog), we drove to Azusa Pacific University's campus. I liked it a lot, it was great. Saturday afternoon Heath and I drove to Newport Beach. Ahhhh..... I love the beach. It is at the top of my favorite places to be. Especially when it's warm and sunny. And Newport provided that. I went running along the waterfront trail, and it was great. We wandered along the beach, too, and I took a nap in a McDonald's parking lot, while Heather did homework, cuz we didn't want to pay the parking cost.

We drove back through LA (fun stuff in a stick shift during traffic) to Riverside, got a hotel (the first time I've checked into a hotel by myself... I've done it with people in Europe, so it probably shouldn't have been a huge thing for me, but I had one of those "I feel like an adult!" moments... lol!). We totally took it easy Sunday, I went to a big church that I'd heard about, and then we ordered in pizza (it was 1 1/2 hours late, so we finally called Domino's back, and they'd gotten mixed up on our hotel, so they sent the pizza over and only charged us half price and gave us a 2-liter of pop on top of that.... we don't drink pop usually, but I had a couple swigs, and the gesture was nice!). But all that was after we'd gone to support a friend who was singing in his school's Choral Union performance. It was beautiful in this awesome cathedral-ish church.

Monday was our busy day, touring both California Baptist University and Biola. I really really really liked Cal Baptist.... I'm going to see what kind of financial aid I can get, but it's probably a top choice right now. Biola was... eh, OK. It seemed nice, but it doesn't have some of the things I'm looking for really, namely apartments to live in. And, I dunno, after CBU, it wasn't quite as neat of a fit for me, I don't think.

Then we drove out to Santa Barbara and spent the night there. I love Santa Barbara! It's beautiful! It totally reminds me of Hawaii, actually, with the folded, blanket-ish green hills and palm trees and lovely lush gardens and blue water. We didn't go to the beach or the mission or downtown, but I'm going back someday! Tuesday we toured Westmont, and I loved it also. It's gonna be a hard toss up between CBU and Westmont. Again, I'll see what kind of financial aid I can get, and that just might make my decision for me. Azusa too, since I liked it quite a bit also.

We left Santa Barbara at about 1PM, arrived in Davis by 7PM, had dinner with our long-lost cousins. Actually, nobody's been lost, we just haven't seen each other in about 8 years! Then we went back to Kelly's, and made a spur of the moment decision with Reid to have Reid come home with us. So we left just after midnight, and drove north to Redding, out to the coast (windy, hairpin turn highways with random deer and porcupine's jumping out at us and H2o pouring BUCKETS!), north along the coast, then back into to I-5 at Grant's Pass. We did stop and take an hour long napping session between 6:30 and 7:30 this morning. We made it to Portland in the early afternoon, stopped to see my Grandpa in the hospital after surgery, and to drop off the map I bought with a friend who is going to Cali tomorrow, and then we drove the rest of the way home.

It was so nice to have a 3rd driver through the night. I drove until 2:30AM, then slept until 5:30, then drove an hour, took the hour long nap break, then dozed off and on until we got to Grant's Pass. Don't tell any cops, but we'd made the back seat into a lovely little nest to curl up and sleep in, so the person in back was able to get some solid sleeping time. I finished off the last two hours home, also. Reid drove a ton, and Heather did a fair bit too. I'm exhausted now, though! I think I'm needing to head to bed asap.

I love road trips, though. Seeing new things, plotting routes, even dealing with traffic and the challenges of navigating a new city... It's fun! The only time I don't like it is when I have to be some place and I'm running behind schedule. But a lot of the time we didn't have any hugely set timelines, so we were able to just kinda do the things we wanted to do when we wanted to do them. I didn't really want to come home, partly because it's rainy and cold here in the northwest, and Santa Barbara was awfully nice! And partly because it means I have to settle down and get back to regular life... and I'm sick of regular life right now, if I can be honest! I mean, I know it is a time for me to learn to serve God in "the duldrums" of life, but it sure isn't as much fan as the exciting stuff! I guess I'm just too much of an excitement seeker.

Unfortunately, I tend to get bored with things. 2 years of "normal" high school, and then I was kinda bored. 2 years plus a little more of community college, and I'm feeling kinda like I've "been there, done that." Now I'll do 2 years at a college someplace else, and maybe a semester overseas. Then I'd like to teach overseas for a year or two, then get my Master's, before I finally "settle down" someplace. But the thing that has me concerned a little is will I ever be able to settle down? I mean, kind of accidentally I've fallen into this habit of doing things for a couple years, then switching on to the next thing. Well, I can't get married for 2 years and then move on! I can't have kids for 2 years and then move on! And it probably wouldn't be so good for my employment history to only work for 2 years everywhere! Are these just the situatiosns in life right now? Or am I doing more to orchestrate this stuff than I realize? Or do I realize it and I'm just denying it? I don't know!

I have a quote on my myspace page that Percy Bysse Shelley wrote, saying something about how the more you learn, the less you know. I think that is very true! The more of an education I get, the more I feel like I don't have the foggiest about actually knowing anything!

OK, I really am tired, I have an appointment with the college I'm starting in January tomorrow, so I actually have an end limit to how late I can sleep. And, MY SISTER COMES HOME TOMORROW! I called her today, actually. I talked to a couple of her friend's before I talked to her, some of the people I'd gotten to know when I went to Colorado. They're an awesome group! I'm looking forward to making new friends at college.

Good night, folks. Peace out!

Typing on a kitchen island...

I'm in my cousin's house in CA, typing away on my little laptop on their kitchen island. It's currently 7:39PM, and I think I'll soon go shower and go to bed. We (Heath and I) have to be up EARLY to drive further south. We've been on the road a fair amount the last couple days. I had finals on Wednesday, but one was in the morning and the other in the evening, so I got up to study before my morning final, took the final, drove home and packed and printed off directions and maps and stuff, then went in to the evening final with Heather, and then we left from there. It took us 5 hours to get to our friend's house in southern OR. We drove further south the next day, spent the night at a college, then today drove for another 6ish hours. We hit a major windstorm in the Central Valley, including tumbleweeds blowing everywhere, dust so dark you couldn't see too well, and massive wind gusts. My arms were aching after keeping the car on the road in the wind for a couple hours. It was insane! But rather exciting too.... :-)

Now we're here, and I logged onto my myspace and email and finally blog. I'm a little down, I guess that's what I get for myspace browsing! I won't go into why... In fact, I'd rather just not dwell on it too much. I'll just suffice it to say that I'm bummed... Maybe someday I'll share! But not now. Actually, strangely enough, I almost feel that if I type out why I'm bummed, it somehow becomes more... I dunno... significant? It really isn't, and shouldn't be, I mean, I'm really blessed! But still, I'm feeling feelings I thought I'd already sorted through, and they've resurfaced. Gosh! Here I go! I'm NOT going there right now! I refuse! Alright, I'm going to finish looking at the map and trying plot our route for tomorrow. I went ahead and bought the $25.00 Rand McNally's California atlas. I almost got the $5.00 big map, but I decided I'd much rather pay a little extra money than get hopelessly lost in some big city or something... And the book style is a little more convenient for driving too. Ok, peace out.

Updates and upcoming events...

OK, I have to say, that whole stupid Blogger Beta thing really drives me crazy! I don't want to have to type in my password twice! Grr. Can anybody tell me how to not have to do that?!

Alright, on to other stuff. Updates: Operation:Surprise is going fairly well. I'm starting to feel like the end will never be in sight, but I guess it'll have to be done by Christmas, so only 20 days to go... HOLY COW!

Running: um, yeah. Once, in the last week. How pathetic? So much for the pre-pre-marathon training! Ahh well, running is really more for the sake of my sanity, AND to provide a chance for exercise than to have it be a competition, even with myself. I take competitions with myself too seriously.

I had my first final of the quarter today, met with my teacher for 40 minutes with two other gals in my class. It was easy. The teacher is really easy to talk to, and I like him, so it was fine to just chat with him. It seriously didn't feel like a final, it felt more like a seminar or just a regular conversation, which was a pleasant surprise! He handed me my capstone paper back, with 12/12 on it, and a lovely comment about how he'd purposely save mine for last so he could reward himself with a good paper... Ahh, the disillusionment teachers see in their students! Little did he know that I pulled it together in about 10 hours. Which, although it seems like a lot, is a rather small amount of time considering it was supposed to be a quarter-long project. And, those 10 or so hours happened to be in 2 days, a Friday and Monday. Ahh well, it was a fun paper, actually, and I'm rather relieved to have it done!

I leave for California on Wednesday night with my sis. We're going to see 5 colleges over the next week, so it'll be a lot of driving, but I've never done a road-trip myself, so I'm a little excited about the adventure. Only downside is I am not the hugest fan in the world of driving... Hopefully it won't get too old!

OK, I'm exhausted, my feet hurt, my head hurts from teh way my hair is pulling it, and I need to go clean off my bed so I can go to sleep... Peace out!

Moonlight run

I went running today, after coming in from doing farmwork. I wasn't feeling ambitious at all. I haven't run ALL week (I know, I know, HORRIBLE... but, since 4 members of the family were gone Monday-Thursday, I didn't feel nearly as much of a need to have some solitary time, since I was already getting a fair amount.), although I did finally go walking with Mom yesterday. Between the snow and the cold, every day I think "I'll run later" and then it gets dark and I think "wow, it is way too cold" and then I get ready for bed and think "OK, tomorrow I'll go." And then I go through it all over again! So, I finally decided TODAY I would go. TODAY I would break my stupid habit of the week and get out there and get some exercise!

Unfortunately, I didn't go after church when I should have, so I had to wait until after I'd completed my 2 hours out on the farm. It was getting dark, but I have to go ahead and run after dark this time of year occasionally, so I really couldn't use that as an excuse. It took me awhile, and, like I said, I really had no ambition, but I finally got outside.

The funny thing is about running for me is it gets harder to get back to running the longer I wait between runs. But when I do eventually get to it, all it takes is about 1/2 a mile and I'm glad I'm out there, and after 2 1/2 miles, I'm feeling like I'm absolutely insane for not doing it more regularly. Usually I stop at the 3 or 3 1/2 mile length, but sometimes I'll push it up to 4 or 4 1/2 or even 5. It's been two summers, I think, since I did a full 6 miles running straight, although I'll run 3 or 4 miles, then walk a couple with my Mom.

Ayhow, even after dark today, the run was... delicious! The moonlight shone brilliantly on the road, I could clearly see my shadow, and I didn't hardly even need the flashlight. The only time I used it was when a car was passing me and when I heard rustling in the grass. Up at the top of the road I run, there is a field with fairly tall grass. Everytime I run by it after dark, I think of Ghosts and the Darkness.... I'm just WAITING for a lion to jump out and tear me apart! Today I heard the rustling, flipped my flashlight on, and cleared my throat, loudly, a couple time. I picked up my pace for the last 1/2 mile or so at that point.

For the last 1/4 mile, I picked up my pace a LOT and tried to sprint it! I'm certainly not the world's fastest sprinter, however, I was pleased with my efforts. It made the blood in my head pound and my breathing start to wheeze a bit, and my legs were aching just a tad, and I think of all those things as being GOOD for me! And, it gets that heart rate up and cleans out all those veins.... who WOULD'T find that to be a good thing

OK, that's all for now. I've got my last paper of the quarter to write up, but I think I might take a quick nap, since my eyes keep falling shut on here!

Boys!

Wow, I do not understand the male species! Let me relay to you a conversation in the car on our way home from Heath's VB awards night.

Max (as we're passing the Butcher shop): Dad! We should stop and grab those cow heads they took with them. (we butchered cows last week).

Dad: I don't think your sister would appreciate having it in the car with her.

Olivia: No, I wouldn't!

Me: Uh, no. Not exactly. Having a cow head in the back of our yard is bad enough.

Max: How did you know that was back there?

Me: I SAW it! Heath and I went out to take pictures in the snow, and I was posing for the camera and BOOM, there is. A decapitated head looking at me from the base of the tree.

Max: (snickers)

Dad: (Laughs)

Mom: What? Where is the head? Do you mean we have a head in our back yard?

Me: Yeah. With fur stuff on it still. And eyes. It's disturbing.

Mom: (shudders) That is gross. When did you put it back there?

Max: The day we butchered.

Me: When are you going to take it OUT?!

Max: I don't know. It's heavy.

Me: Well, how did you get it there to begin with?

Dad: He and Olivia carried it.

Me: (totally grossed out): Yuck! Just the thought of you carrying a head without any body on it is (shudder) disturbing.

Mom: What do you plan to do with it Max? I don't want it in the back yard.

Max: Put it on the ant hill so I can watch the ants eat the meat off of it.

Mom: Well, why don't you DO that?

Max: I don't want to walk into the woods by myself.

Me: You can carry the head of a cow without a problem, but you can't take it into the woods and dump it there?

Max: It's dark in the woods.

Anyhow, yeah, that was the essence of the conversation! How can a dead head posess such a facination for a 9 year old boy? And Dad thought the whole thing highly enteraining too.... Ugh! The visual of turning around in the beautiful snow that is all white and clean to see a head sitting on the ground 10 feet away staring at me was... well, unexpected, I guess! :-) And gross! What is it going to be like in another week or something when it starts to rot?! YUCK!

So, yeah, I know Max isn't the only boy out there, but he's the closest one I get to study, and I just don't get him! Of course, I never have, and I seriously doubt I ever will, since most women seem to have this problem (Hi Heath!) (Sorry, that has nothing to do with what I'm saying, but she's sitting here beside me reading over my shoulder... :-) ), but when the realization hits... it's a little depressing, I guess! I mean, it's really a hopeless endeavor to TRY to understand them, since I never will all the way. BUT, I guess even if I learn a LITTLE bit, it's better than nothing!

Alright, enough for now!

PS: My Dad just turned around from the computer and shot a rubberband at Heath, Liv and me sitting on the love seat huddled around this laptop... Why???? The mystery persists... :-)

The Dangers of Vacuuming....

I have been cleaning the home of a lady in our church for six years. Every other week I show up at her house and sweep, mop, clean the bathroom, vacuum, dust, change sheets, and do any other odd jobs she asks me to do. I actually enjoy doing housework... when it isn't at MY house! I like having something to keep my hands busy, and I like having the time to listen to music or think.

Today when I went to clean, she wasn't home... This isn't unusual, as she doesn't drive anymore and sometimes the only time she can get into town is when someone comes to give her a ride. She showed me where the key is a long time ago, so she just leaves my money and a note.

I was thinking today while I was vacuuming. And, before I explain what I was thinking, you might want to know that I do have a ridiculous fear of vacuum machines... I don't really know why, maybe the loud noise or maybe the fact that ours used to run over my toes (yes, IT did it, I had NOTHING to do with it!!! Our machine has a mind of its own!!!), but whatever the cause, I generally don't like the little buggers too much. OK, well, maybe "fear" isn't the right word, but yeah, you get the picture!

I have been taking developmental psychology as one of my classes this quarter, and I really enjoy it, for the most part! Sometimes parts of it become a drag... but for the msot part, it really isn't bad! Anyhow, we've been talking about identity and how a person forms their identity and all that kind of stuff.

So while I was pushing the vacuum around, I realized something that - for me, at least - is significant. And, of course, I don't know EVERYTHING out there, in fact, the vast majority if things there are to know I probably haven't even heard of, much less given a little thought to! But, I have been learning, and that, for me, is a good thing!

Anyhow, so, my revelation.... I was trying to summarize to myself who I am (have you noticed how popular this question is? It seems like there are always songs being written about it!). And I started in on the thought "I'm a daughter, a sister, a friend..." etc... But then I realized, NO, that isn't true! See, one thing I've learned in developmental psych is how, as a person develops, they tend to progress from a subjective understanding of the world to an objective understanding of the world... And this is broken down into various stages, so a person is continually going from subject to objective in a stage, then progressing to the next stage and starting over at subjective. Anyhow, I've always thought of myself as a daughter, a sister, a friend, a student, whatever... But that is inaccurate, I think. Why? Because that is describing PART of me, but not ALL of me! Rather than BEING a friend, I HAVE friendships. Those friendships are relational to me, but they don't define me. Rather than existing solely as a daughter, I have parent, and they have a daughter, but, again, that is just one role I play. The same with being a student... I have classes I attend, and I have a lesson to learn, but those classes and those lessons aren't the complete picture.

Does this make ANY sense?! It is starting to for me, but this whole blog originated in my head, so therefore I don't think I can expect you to completely understand me... which brings me to another thing I was thinking about.

If one thing is clear in developmental psych it is that not everybody is on the same level developmental wise. I know this... in my head, but it isn't APPLIED knowledge for me, really. Because I construct my understanding of the world through MY experiences, I tend to assume that everyone else will automatically know where I'm coming from, since it is the only way I've ever known for looking at the world. But that just isn't the case! Everyone has their own history and experience that is influencing their understanding of the world. Therefore, it's gonna make sense that we don't always understand each other all the time!

OK, another thought I had. As I as trying to find the words to define myself, I realize that I can't. Now, for you brilliant people out there, you probably already know that! I'm not sure there is really enough words out there TO define someone completely accurately, AND, on top of that, most people are still discovering new things about themselves or about the world around them, and as they do that, they end of broadening themselves and growing. So who they were awhile ago may not even be who they are today.

So here's my hypothesis: I think that maybe the reason we can't explain ourselves is because we didn't make ourselves. Huh? Hear me out.... I think most people, whether they acknowledge it or not, realize that they are made up of MORE than simply their body. We possess both a soul AND a spirit, besides our bodies. And, in all truth, our bodies are really more just the shell we inhabit. The real "me" is not even truly tangible. I think our understanding of oursleves is probably limited.... because that's the way God intended it to be! I think the ONLY being who TRULY unerstands us is God, because he CREATED us. Does that make sense? I'm not the artist, here. I'm not the author of the poem that can say "this is what I was writing about..." I AM the poem, I AM the creation, and I don't know what it is all about!

So here's another random thought.... I believe that in Heaven we are going to spend eternity learning more about God. He's SO huge and SO massive that we'll NEVER really be able to say "OK, now I know all about God"... it just won't happen. AND, (I may be WAY off on this... but it was a thought!) I think we might spend eternity, or at least the first part of it, learning about ourselves too. Not the sinful association we have, I'm sure, since there won't be sin in heaven, but the Bible does say that we are made in God's image.... and God's image is pretty complicated... so maybe part of what we will worship God about is coming to finally understand ourselves and his design in us. I'd like to believe that somehow we will become objective to even ourselves.

So wait, let me rephrase that. Right now, where we are on earth today, our development is progressing from I AM a relationship or a role to I HAVE this relationship or role.... But, try as we might, we are never going to become objective to ourselves. We're still going to be enshrouded in ourselves. But maybe in heaven, we will have a better understanding of things and actually be able to be objective towards ourselves. Maybe we''ll actually be able to see ourselves as God sees us. Hmmm, I wonder if that is part of who God is? God is able to be objective with himself. Afterall, he (God) was able to stand in objectiveness when he (God) came to earth to be the sacrifice for our sins....

Alrighty, I think I'm done with my ranting and pondering for a bit... A short bit, at least! No wonder I wear myself out sometimes... with trying to figure out that kind of stuff it just might be reasonable! Take care!

Snow pictures!

Oh, and here's some picts from the snow photo shoot!



Naturally occuring popsicles!




"Illumination"




"Is that SNOW I see?"



I'd just thrown a snowball.....

Adventures.... In the Snow!

Well, actually I don't have a lot of adventures to relate... I just couldn't think of a better title! It snowed here Sunday night/Monday morning... It's pretty fun! I drove my little 2 door sports car into class Monday morning, but traded it for the pickup after it had been snowing all day. That's what I've continued to drive since then. I did skip my early morning class on Tuesday (well, 9AM, so not THAT early!), because a) it was icy, b) I had a lot of homework to get done, c) we were watching a movie, so I didn't think it would be tragic if I didn't make it, and d) I hadn't gotten home until almost 1AM the night before, cuz I was working on Operation: Surprise (which is going well, FYI!). So yeah, I got up and worked on homework Tuesday morning, and took a 20 minute nap, before going in to my 11AM lab.

Heather and I went outside and took pictures yesterday in the snow (thus the new profile pic). It was sunny and COLD. I threw a couple snowballs, and my arms ached clear up past my elbow from the cold temps... Is that the blood being cooled and transported up the arm, or what?

I pulled out my Mom's old snow boots yesterday to wear to class. She had them when she was in college... I'd never thought about it, but that was when she was my age! Wow, weird thought!

Speaking of age and time passing, this year has seemed SO weird! I cancelled the Research Paper class I teach on Monday, cuz I didn't want to be - or have my students - out driving on the freeway and stuff. It seems almost unreal to me that only a year ago I cancelled the British Lit class I was teaching for the same reason (snow storm)... could it ONLY have been a year?! I don't feel, like, significantly older or wiser or anything, but it just seems SO long ago, and almost disconnected from my life now. It isn't, cuz I've got some of the same students, I'm attending the same school, I'm living in the same house, wearing the same clothes, friends with the same people.... it just seems like so much has happened since then. No huge changes, but lots of events. Like I said, I don't even feel a ton more mature or anything, maybe I am, and I don't realize it, or maybe I just reached a maturing plateau... I dunno. Odd, at any rate! How time flies!

I love snow, did you know that? I don't like being cold, really, and I certainly hate rain, but I LOVE changes.... wearing new clothes, changing the furniture arrangement in our living room, new books, new classes, new places, and of course, different weather. I mean, granted, it takes me a LOT longer to get tired of sun (years, perhaps!) than rain, but having the snow is nice. It makes everything bright and white and clean feeling. And it somehow seems to soften the landscape into fluffy white blankets. I like how it sounds hen you walk across it, too. That subtle squeeking/crunchh sound.

I went out to get wood last night at midnight (I'd been procrastinating!), and it was about 23 degrees. The pickup was parked down by the woodshed, by my grandparent's house, which is about a 5 minute walk away. So I walked down the hill and loaded 2 wheelbarrow loads into the bed of the pickup. I felt decidedly pioneer-ish, wrapped in 2 scarves and boots and layers of shirts and sweatshirts and coats and gloves. It was SO cold (well, for me, at least!), and I was out collecting wood at midnight so the fire wouldn't go out overnight. I actually loved it! I think I could totally dig living in a cabin in the mountains for awhile... having the trees, the snow, the woodfires, the walks through the silent wood where the snow muffles every sound... I could buy snowshoes and cross country skies, and use them for exercise! Hmmm.... I'd want a loft open to the main floor. Probably one bedroom, under the loft... unless the loft was the bedroom... and a kitchen (with stainless steel counters that I could use as a cutting board!), couches and chairs and a rocking chair for sure in the living room, with a fireplace, of course... A dining room table, naturally, oh, maybe another room with a library (I LOVE books!) and a desk and lots of paper... or a computer! I wonder if I would ever get cabin fever? Probably, but then I'd just climb into my big honkin' truck with chains on it to drive into town to socialize or something. I don't know if I could do it all my life, but it is a thought! Oh, I'd want a lake nearby too.

K, I think that's about all for now... I'm going to read my developmental psych homework, and daydream about my cabin in the woods... :-)

Scars

I have a scar on my left wrist. It is about an inch long. I got it playing soccer when the gal I was going up to challenge dug her fingernail into my wrist.

I have another scar on my middle finger on my left hand. It is about half an inch long, and I got it while completing a housecleaning job.

I have yet another scar on my left ankle, right on the bone. I had a little accident with a really sharp razor this summer!

There is also a scar about 2 inches long on my right thigh, from where I ran into some coral swimming behind our house in Hawaii. It bled and bled, and I thought for sure sharks were going to come hunt me down!

I've got scars on my knees from several falls. One was when I was 6 or 7, and racing Megan and Heather. My left knee got pretty beat up when I slipped on dust and fell. I have scars and a lump on my right knee from when I was running after dark one night here on the farm when I was about 11. It was the middle of summer, and rather late, but I'd wanted to get a run in. I tripped on a big rock in a dry puddle and fell and scraped my hands and knees. My knee was swollen for several days!

I have a scar on my left hip and left elbow from when I was riding my bike over to my grandma's house several summers ago, and I slipped off the edge of the blacktop. I tried to turn back onto the blacktop, but it was too high of a ledge, so I went flying off to the left of my bike, skidding out into the middle of the road on my hip and elbow. It was very painful!

I also have two round scars right on my spinal chord on my lower back. When I went to a soccer camp the summer before my freshman year, we had to do sit ups on a gymn floor, and somehow rubbed the first layer of skin off my vertebrae.

I obviously have lots of scars... But I happen to like them! As I've just relayed to you, each one has a story connected to it. I don't understand why people try to hide their scars sometimes. Each scar is a piece of your past, your history. And if there is one thing that I think I'm beginning to learn, it is that without an idea of who we are and what our history is, it's awfully hard to face the future and who you might be.... I think there needs to be a balance there.

Another kind of scar isn't so obvious.... I think most people have physical scars, but I think everyone has at least a little bit of emotional scar tissue too. Whether it is from a parent relationship or friends or lovers, sometimes even absolute strangers... because we are relationshal beings, we run the risk of getting cut up from those relationships. But strangely enough, I read once that scar tissue is stronger than regular tissue... So even those the scars make a mark, they also make us stronger. And, the interesting thing about the mark scars make is that they are each unique. So as you collect scars, you're actually becoming stronger and more individual. I'm at a place in my life were I want to gain strength and understand who I am as my own person... Although the scars hurt, I'm also kind of pleased with them. For me, they symbolize that I am gaining experience, hopefully wisdom too, and developing my unique person!

OK, those are my thoughts on scars!

Family dinners....

I'm sitting in my favorite corner of the living room, my typical location for being on my laptop. It's a bit chilly here in the house, so I appreciate having the warm computer on my lap.

The chatter of kids fills the house, my cousins are staying with us for the weekend. Max has enjoyed having another guy in the house with him, and I appreciated Kerissa's help peeling potatoes today.... We peeled a LOT of potatoes for the family dinner.

I was dreading it, I'll be honest! I love my family, but I can also be a recluse, and sometimes just dealing with my immediate family drives me crazy (or to hit the pavement with my running shoes, at least!), and the thought of being with a huge crowd all afternoon and evening didn't sound too appealing... But, you know what? I had a blast! I got to talk with cousins that I haven't seen in years, and they have always been enjoyable to visit with. We talked about what has happened in our lives in the past several years, what our plans are for the next couple years, and where we'd like to travel too (They're fans of Cali, and want to visit Egypt and Morocco too! I KNEW I liked them!).

I felt like I was tripping over people wherever I went, but then I started on the dishes, and only a few people want to hang out with me at that point! So Charlie and Andrea washed and dried all the dishes, and I took care of all the leftover food and cleaning up the tables and stuff. Isn't it great how usually mundane and totally un-fun things can actually be enjoyable when doing them with people you like to be with? And talking helps time pass so much faster, too!

Several times today, I found myself taking a break from talking with people, and having a moment to reflect. Rather than rushing from conversation to conversation, I wanted to process some of how I was feeling, hopefully to document those emotions so I can pull them out and enjoy them again at another time. I don't know where I'm gonna be in a year, and there is a good chance that I won't be here for Thanksgiving... and possibly not Christmas either! Even though that seems a little odd, and I'm sure I'd miss being around the familial chaos, I also can't deny being a little excited. Getting the chance to feel like I have a choice about how to spend my holidays sounds appealing. And, the fact that I might be along the Nile river or something doesn't sound half bad either!

It's crazy, and at times I have been scared by the speed that times seems to pass at... I know that 18 isn't really that old, I'm barely an adult, for crying out loud, and I can't rent a car! But somehow, it just feels... right, at the moment. I feel like I'm facing things that I'm prepared to face, I'm living the life that God has planned for me, I've experienced the things that I need to have experienced in order to know that my God is in control and he is faithful to direct my steps. Even when I don't understand things, I have learned (for now, at least!!! Until I relapse!) to rest peacefully with the way things are. Even when I don't WANT to, sometimes your hands are tied concerning how much you can do to change circumstances, so I've learned to let things be that I can't change. Well, some things, at least! Others I still am picking away at, like a scab that I won't let heal, but the MAIN issues in my life, the ones that can seem to overwhelm me, I realize I can't control. I can control my attitude about them, but I can't change circumstances or other people, so I need to DO what I CAN do, and not fret over the things that aren't in my power to change.

Whew, it's only 10PM, and I'm exhausted... so I think I shall retire. Happy Thanksgiving!

Tuesday....

Hmmm, if this thing wasn't being posted on the internet were anyone could read it, I'd write about everything I'd like to put into writing so I can at least get these thoughts out of my head and onto some surface in order to view them with a little more perspective.... but since I don't exactly want everyone I know to read it, I won't! Isn't it funny... I honestly wouldn't care if people who I don't know me read about the intimate details of my life, but it's the people that do know me I can't be completely honest and vulnerable too... Ironic, perhaps!

School was relatively uneventful... I do love being on a campus where I recognize faces. I saw several teachers and fellow students in my short jaunt across campus between classes. I will definitely miss being in this place that seems so "at home" for me. Part of me is sad to be finishing so soon... I don't feel like it could be over 2 years since I started here!!!

I was in a baking mood today. I made rice pudding using left over rice from last night's midnight dinner for Dad. Then I made more rice for Dad's lunch, then I decided I'd make cinnamin rolls. I finished a couple little odd homework things, responded to some emails, fielded some phone calls, called an airline and changed a ticket around. Then I went running, and I LOVE the way I feel after running! Runner's high... yeah, it is definitely true! It was dark and cold, but still felt good.

Bible Study was tonight. I really enjoy the Tuesday night Bible Study. On Sunday mornings I attend our family's church, and Sunday School is kind of like a sermon, which is new for me, since I've always been in more discussion-style Sunday Schools. But when the college/young adult class disbanded, because almost everyone was in their late 20s or earl 30s, I got moved in with the adults. Then, of course, the actual church service is a sermon style. I attended a Sunday Evening Bible Study tied to LCC students one week, and it also was kind of a sermon, but it was geared for college students, which I really enjoyed. It was very relevant to my life. Then on Monday's I attend my youth group's cell group, and it is more of a lifestyle challenge/encouragement type idea. We look at the Bible, but we also focus on books and sharing and just being a part of each other's lives. So Tuesday night provides a unique opportunity for me to dig into the Word in an environment where I can ask questions, discuss controversial issues, and hear other people's opinions.

The people are great too! I've enjoyed getting to know some of the girls over the past couple months. Life is complicated, of course, and sometimes it feels like there are some crazy relationship dynamics, but at other times it is so simple. We are all Jesus-followers, people who, even if it isn't our main passion now, want to MAKE seeking God our priority. And I find being with those people, when we really start digging into the Bible, inspiring and encouraging.... So why can't it feel that way ALL the time?

I get frusterated with myself sometimes... I guess everyone probably does! Anyhow, I get frusterated with myself about who I am. I know that sounds kryptic, but the Relient K song says "Who I am hates who I've been," and I can related to that. Even though I'm not always perfectly happy with who I am now, sometimes when I look at who I have been, I am ashamed of myself.

It's crazy... I have had an interesting fall. Actually, I've had a dang interesting past 6 months! Some things I never expected to happen, happened, and then, in the scope of what seemed like a very short time, circumstances went back to what they were like 6 months ago. The month of October was a particularly dark one for me this year. So, for any of my friends who have stumbled across this site, that's why I was probably acting REALLY weird and out of it last month! As I mentioned at Bible Study tonight, sometimes God allows us to enter those periods of despair after we realize we are off track with Him.

In the course of a short time, I went from a relative low, unsure, doubtful feeling (Friday night), to feeling utterly horrible about some of my actions and things I'd said that hurt someone I cared about a lot (Saturday morning), to getting a phone call telling me that a friend from high school had committed suicide (Saturday afternoon), to hitting the first wave of mourning, even though I was still in shock (Saturday night), to having the opportunity to apologize for the things I'd done, even though I still don't feel like I have been forgiven (Sunday night... more on this thought later!), then on to a painful week of trying to face every day feeling like the light in my world had been switched off and I couldn't find the plug in... Silence, at times, can be incredibly dark!

Then the following Saturday night the numbness of my friend's death finally wore off, and I spent a good 2 hours in a funeral chapel at a private viewing of the body just bawling. Crying can be so cleansing, and it really was for me, even though I didn't feel like it at the time. Anyhow, then on Sunday, the other conflict in my life reached a surface fix, although it is not what I really wanted or probably would have chosen. However, God had prepared me for whatever way things turned out, and when they happened the way they did, I realized I was OK with that. Or, I would be eventually!

I hit a high at that point, feeling like I had trusted God and He had carried me through, then I had the funeral service itself for my friend Monday morning, which, again, was emotional... and then for the next week, I would be OK during the day, but the closer to evening it got, the deeper into that despairing darkness I would sink. It felt, at times, that someone else's thoughts were living inside my head, I was so scared of the ideas I was entertaining, but they were also definitely MY thoughts! I was mad at God (unjustly, of course!), and I was hurting, but it also gave me a wonderful opportunity to be completely honest with my Lord. As much as I wish I could always approach Him in such a raw manner, I rarely do. He used that time to teach me much of himself, but in such a way that I don't think I really realized it. I felt like a mass of hopeless, confused, hurting human being, but he was slowly healing me in such a way that I depended on him more.

Although it started to get better, it wasn't until about last week that I walked out to my car one morning feeling normal. I don't know how to describe what normal felt like, and it isn't that I've forgotten my experience, or that I'm not still in recovery mode, but somehow I've tapped back into who I am, and I'm not sure when exactly I last touched that identity. Last spring? Just 6 weeks ago? Years? I have changed so much since then, I'm having to remake who that identity is, but at the same time, it is still me. And older, more experienced, hopefully wiser me, but it is me all the same.

OK, one more thought before I close this very long blog (actually, almost all my blogs are long, so I think I'll stop apologizing for that!). Forgiveness: Sometimes it feels very ellusive! Even when I believe I have done what I can to apologize, be humble, admit my mistake, understand another person's hurt, try to express to them how sorry I am, and ask their forgiveness, it is still their decision to forgive. And, even though I know it probably shouldn't be something that holds up the healing process, not receiving someone's forgiveness DOES stunt it for me. I never realized how powerful those words could be. Hearing "Dani, I forgive you," would be... amazing, actually! To know that that person truely HAS forgiven me, knowing they realized I never meant to hurt them, and in fact, wanted to do everything possible NOT to hurt them, and maybe have them realize a small fraction of the agony I've been through knowing I inflicted pain... "I forgive you" would be the balm that would allow the wound to finally heal, I think. I hope, at least! I'd like to believe that! Because, the majority of the pain I feel is because of the hurt someone else is feeling on account of me. Love is an incredibly risky business, I think! Any and all kinds of it: Agape, Philos, or Eros.... All of it require not only being vulnerable to someone else, but realizing they're being vulnerable to you too, and realizing that they have placed the power to hurt in your hand.... And then, when you do hurt them, I'm not sure... does it hurt you more, because you realized you hurt them? It's all so complicated!

OK, that is ENOUGH! I have a doctor appointment at 7:45 tomorrow morning (Why do doctor's schedule things that early?!?!), and I am utterly exhausted, so I shall hit the hay right now and try to catch 6 hours of sleep or so! Good night!

Monday AM in the Shulke house

I walked in from my morning class about 10 minutes ago. I had been to class, then dropped by the house I was housesitting at last week to give the key back and collect my payment. The couple had come home unexpectedly when the wife broke her arm, so I had to pick up some of my stuff too.

It was strange walking into my house. The kitchen lights were off, the counter was clean. This, in and of itself isn't unusual, but usually not in the morning. Typically the lights don't get turned off in the kitchen until after lunch. Mom was writing stuff on our white board, with her hair in electric curlers. Max and Olivia were dressed in nice clothes, sitting at the dining room table working on their schoolwork. Heather was on the loveseat in the living room, with her algebra in her lap.

Why is this strange? Isn't this the typical way a day progresses when you're homeschooled? Well..... yes and no! Yes, Max and Olivia usually do a lot of their work at the table, Mom often writes things on the board, and Heather is often perched in some spot in the living room. But having the house be sort of quiet, lights turned off, and nobody talking or trying to get a word in edgewise in another conversation.... That's rare!

After I walked in, set my stuff down, and changed out of my jeans into sweats, Max and Olivia started arguing about which of them had correctly measured the flower growing in the middle of our table, Mom began taking the curlers out and telling Max and Olivia to stop arguing, Heather got off the loveseat, moaning and groaning about her sore muscles (she had volleyball tryouts yesterday). Dad walked in, looking for breakfast, since he's been outside since early this morning, and Mom started relaying a conversation she'd had on the phone with someone about Heather's volleyball. Heather began asking for a backrub, Mom interrupted herself to tell Max and Olivia to get their stuff and get ready to go to piano, Dad opened the fridge, looking for something appealing, Max started chasing Olivia with the ruler, she ran away from him and got her hair all messy, so then Mom wanted her to brush it again. They were scrambling to get their piano books and put their shoes on.

As Mom was talking to Dad and the twins, she plugged in the dishwasher, so now it is sitting in our kitchen making loud noises. The washer machine and dryer got started also, in the utility room that is essentially our entry way into the kitchen.... THIS scene is much more "normal!" My family hasn't really ever been the kind to sit down from 9AM to 1PM to work on school in an organized fashion.... More often than not, someone will be laying with their body across the couch, and the book they're reading on the floor, so they'll be half on/half off the couch. I'm sprawled in a chair in the corner of our living room by the south windows, with my laptop in my lap, my glasses on, my headphones plugged in so I can listen to music as I type this, my feet hanging over the arm rest, and the plug for my computer snaking through Olivia's Barbie set up to the plug in behind the chair.

Heather also has music playing (we're both listening to Stephen Speaks, but two different songs) on the computer, and now she is laying on the floor beside the desk, so she can listen to her music and work on math. Max and Olivia and Mom have left and gone to piano, they'll be back in awhile to grab lunch, and then they're heading up to Seattle to spend some time with my cousins. It'll be an afternoon of books spread out all over the living room, music playing from at least 2 different sources, possibly more if either Heath or I go into our room, and I might plunk away on the piano after a bit.

This is life. Chewing gum, staring at the laptop screen, trying to find the words to describe how much I love the normalacy of this, combined with the fact that sometimes it becomes absolutely chaotic! Of course, it gets on my nerves, when I'm studying a subject that I find boring, all the stimulation is difficult to ignore, but I still appreciate it. I love the fact that our house seems to be a nucleus for our lives. I think that is the way it should be. I know people who only seem to be at home to dump their stuff and sleep, and sometimes it gets that way in my life too, I admit. But coming home and getting to see my siblings learning, to get to listen to them practice their reading, encourage their piano playing, even to break up the fights... It means I HAVE siblings! It means there ARE people in my life that I have an ingrained relationship with, and I love that.

So... homework now! I've wasted enough time on here for now! Appreciate your family and the chaos that can come from them.... even when you have to FORCE yourself to, having a thankful attitude makes the world seem brighter! In fact, I'm even beginning to look forward to that Thanksgiving dinner on Thursday night with my "Big Fat Greek Wedding" type of relatives! :-D