I am tired. I am creating "not thoughts" in my head because they can't possibly be thoughts!
I have absolutely no good reason to be writing this blog. I have a bazillion other things to write before dawn. And I really, really, really, really, REALLY need a run, or my sanity will be at stake PERMANENTLY, I think!
I am not content right now, either with where I am in life or the particular circumstances. I don't know if this should be something that spurs me on to making necessary changes, or if this is a "storm" of life I need to endure and weather. I tend to have the attitude that I must learn from everything in life, but at the moment I'm wondering if that's absolutely essential. Must I really? Must everything be a moral or emotional or spiritual or physical lesson? Must I constantly assess myself as to whether I'm succeeding or failing at whatever it is I'm supposed to be learning?
And for CRYING OUT LOUD, a particular friendship in my life is contributing to intense emotional turmoil and questioning. I feel like Moses... ready to whine about the responsibilities given to me, and the "desert" I've been asked to walk through. I'm confounded as to what action to take - or whether or not to take action. I yearn for resolution, but am scared of the potential outcome. I want to throw it all to the wind and not care what people think or how my heart is impacted, and yet scars from the past and that freakishly paralyzing fear intrude... And I find myself ready to start whining again, which makes me want to whine about my whining...
Did I mention I want to buy a ticket as soon as possible to the farthest place I can find? My fight or flight instincts are kicking in, and I don't have the energy to try to win a fight and/or patch myself up afterward. Flight seems so much simpler.
Or maybe as my friend Adam told me tonight, I'm interested in the possibility and not the reality. I don't know.
I don't know what the next step is, I don't know how I'll finish my responsibilities, I don't know which directions to take, and I don't know how to go about making the decision.
I think it's time for a break from the world of me. I wish I could stop "not thoughts."
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
English Majors' Hell Week
I know people in other majors are not enjoying this week - it's the week before finals - so I don't presume to say that it's just bad for English majors. However, I will announce that this week is bad for English majors!
I noticed this morning as I sat in my Families in Poverty class with my two friends (who are both English majors) that they both had dark circles under their eyes. I know I do also, because I dared to look in the mirror this morning. The good thing about being an English major is that there aren't many tests throughout the semester. I only have two final exams this time around (yay!). The bad thing is that rather than tests, we write. And usually the writing takes two or three times as long as taking a test would require. And all the work typically happens in that pre-finals week, because our papers must be graded during finals week.
Last night I read the last 100 pages of my book for Poverty class, and I wrote a 5 page paper... after I got home from classes, which was at 10:30PM. I was quite pleased that I had printed my paper and could shut my light out by 2:30AM! I opted out of a shower this morning - a habit that will probably continue through this week - and rolled out of bed a grand 15 minutes prior to my departure time. Thank goodness that the prenatal vitamins I've been taking the past year have prompted my hair to grow - ponytails are an English Major's best friend during Hell Week!
I just turned in an 8 page paper I wrote last Friday and got back from the writing center this morning. I have 8-12 pages of journal entries that are due Thursday morning. Thursday afternoon I need to turn in a "style guide" of at least 6 pages for teaching writing in a high school classroom, and I'll take my final for my grammar class. Thursday night my reflective teaching portfolio is due, including "my teaching philosophy" and other introspective stuff...
Tomorrow morning I take my grandparents to the doctor for labs, meet a panel I'm on at noon to audition a gal for a festive next month, and then jet down to Vancouver for a study session with my friends in the grammar class... because I'm still not solid in my understanding of identifying a preposition and prepositional phrase in a sentence. I also want to get straight what questions an adverb answers, and what questions an adjective answers. (And if you dare post a response to those questions on this blog, I might just spit at you through the computer screen!)
This weekend I need to read 2 books, 12 theorists, and write 15 one or two page critical responses to my readings. I also need to compile my final portfolio for my teaching internship class and grade the last set of my student's papers before their portfolios come in on Monday.
In other news, though, I think I've been hired to house sit for a faculty member who will be gone next week - which means I'll be down here close for my final on Thursday, and have a whole house to myself to wrap up all these lose ends.
And summer classes start the following week. Good grief, I think I'm about to mentally crack!
I noticed this morning as I sat in my Families in Poverty class with my two friends (who are both English majors) that they both had dark circles under their eyes. I know I do also, because I dared to look in the mirror this morning. The good thing about being an English major is that there aren't many tests throughout the semester. I only have two final exams this time around (yay!). The bad thing is that rather than tests, we write. And usually the writing takes two or three times as long as taking a test would require. And all the work typically happens in that pre-finals week, because our papers must be graded during finals week.
Last night I read the last 100 pages of my book for Poverty class, and I wrote a 5 page paper... after I got home from classes, which was at 10:30PM. I was quite pleased that I had printed my paper and could shut my light out by 2:30AM! I opted out of a shower this morning - a habit that will probably continue through this week - and rolled out of bed a grand 15 minutes prior to my departure time. Thank goodness that the prenatal vitamins I've been taking the past year have prompted my hair to grow - ponytails are an English Major's best friend during Hell Week!
I just turned in an 8 page paper I wrote last Friday and got back from the writing center this morning. I have 8-12 pages of journal entries that are due Thursday morning. Thursday afternoon I need to turn in a "style guide" of at least 6 pages for teaching writing in a high school classroom, and I'll take my final for my grammar class. Thursday night my reflective teaching portfolio is due, including "my teaching philosophy" and other introspective stuff...
Tomorrow morning I take my grandparents to the doctor for labs, meet a panel I'm on at noon to audition a gal for a festive next month, and then jet down to Vancouver for a study session with my friends in the grammar class... because I'm still not solid in my understanding of identifying a preposition and prepositional phrase in a sentence. I also want to get straight what questions an adverb answers, and what questions an adjective answers. (And if you dare post a response to those questions on this blog, I might just spit at you through the computer screen!)
This weekend I need to read 2 books, 12 theorists, and write 15 one or two page critical responses to my readings. I also need to compile my final portfolio for my teaching internship class and grade the last set of my student's papers before their portfolios come in on Monday.
In other news, though, I think I've been hired to house sit for a faculty member who will be gone next week - which means I'll be down here close for my final on Thursday, and have a whole house to myself to wrap up all these lose ends.
And summer classes start the following week. Good grief, I think I'm about to mentally crack!
Saturday, April 25, 2009
Sponteneity!
Last Saturday night I had the crazy idea to go to the beach before church in the morning. I was talking online to my friend Kayla, and she offered to go with. It ended up being a GREAT time of chatting and learning about each other and soaking up the early morning sunshine while taking in the views of Haystack Rock. I hadn't been to the beach since last fall - my soul needed to see the ocean and remember that God is God and I am not. He sets the boundaries of the ocean into place, He controls the movements of the tides, He knows the creatures all the way at the bottom of the Marianas trench in the western Pacific... He is capable of being entrusted with my problems.
I think if I had a word for this year, or this semester at least, it would be "surrender." I have repeatedly come to a place of realizing I needed to open up my hands and offer ALL the goodies in them to my heavenly father. I know - head knowledge - that if I have an open palm, He can put stuff into that palm. Whereas if my fists are wrapped tightly around some "treasure," I can't receive anything. Of course, if I'm going to give God the freedom to GIVE me something, I also have to be willing to give UP what I do already hold in my hands. Dreams, desires, ambitions, fears, etc, all must simply rest in my open hands.
This is not the easiest lesson for me to learn. It puts me in a place of complete vulnerability, unknowing, and, in a sense, loneliness. However, I also know that this season is developing "endurance" in my faith. I'm purposefully choosing to keep re-opening my hands when I realize I've closed them around precious entities, and through that act, I continue to surrender my life - all of it! - to my Creator.
It's not spontaneous, but it feels a bit like standing at the edge of the ocean, looking out into a vast horizon of unknown...
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Sometimes...
I am a woman of little faith. Sometimes I am distracted and tossed and turned by doubts and questions and over-analyzing. Sometimes I make no sense. Sometimes I randomly turn into an introvert because when I'm being an extrovert, I don't have time to stop, think, process, and deal with life.
Sometimes when I begin to feel this way, I read poetry. Robert Frost's "I have been one acquainted with the night" is a favorite right now. Sometimes I take walks outside, in the dark, under the stars, searching for silence and calm. Sometime I listen to the same song over and over and over again, because there's that one line in it that speaks truth to my heart. Sometimes I write songs. Sometimes I journal. Sometimes I start at the back of the Psalms and read toward the front. Sometimes I look at the NASA image of the day and remember just how big God is and just how miniscule I am in comparison.
Sometimes I can do nothing more than take all my problems and drag them with me in a ratty carpet bag to the lap of my heavenly Father and crawl into his arms. Sometimes I am wise in my foolishness...
Sometimes when I begin to feel this way, I read poetry. Robert Frost's "I have been one acquainted with the night" is a favorite right now. Sometimes I take walks outside, in the dark, under the stars, searching for silence and calm. Sometime I listen to the same song over and over and over again, because there's that one line in it that speaks truth to my heart. Sometimes I write songs. Sometimes I journal. Sometimes I start at the back of the Psalms and read toward the front. Sometimes I look at the NASA image of the day and remember just how big God is and just how miniscule I am in comparison.
Sometimes I can do nothing more than take all my problems and drag them with me in a ratty carpet bag to the lap of my heavenly Father and crawl into his arms. Sometimes I am wise in my foolishness...
Saturday, April 18, 2009
Frogs...
My cousins just came by with their two little guys. Oh my. First, I'd like to publicly announce that Lij and Noah are perhaps the cutest little kiddos I've every seen. Seriously. Second, I'd like to point out that kids are kind of like frogs. They make noise, they jump, jump, jump, they're stinkin' FAST, and they very rarely go the direction you want or expect them to go. The 10 minutes was fun! It kinda felt like a jolt of energy!
Which I definitely need. I'm working on homework on one of my very, very rare "free" saturdays. In fact, it's so rare that I shouldn't be on here, I should be doing homework. So I'm going to jet... Have a great weekend!
Which I definitely need. I'm working on homework on one of my very, very rare "free" saturdays. In fact, it's so rare that I shouldn't be on here, I should be doing homework. So I'm going to jet... Have a great weekend!
Sunday, April 05, 2009
I am an ENFP
My computer crashed, so I don't have pictures from Mexico (sorry Virginia!). The comp is at Dr. Stephen's (the fiance of a friend) and will hopefully either be restored or get a whole new harddrive... Please, please, please pray with me that he'll be able to recover the data! Photos, itunes library, and my MANY documents (papers, lesson plans, letters, etc...) I would particularly hate to lose.
In the meantime, I suppose it's time for a little update:
I made this amazing meal for lunch, and you should all try it! I sauteed 1 clove of garlic and 1/2 an onion in a tablespoon or so of extra virgin olive oil with a couple teaspoons of balsamic vinegar. Then I added about 1 1/2 cups of broccoli, a red pepper, and 2 cups of fresh spinach. I seasoned the mixture with a little cumin, some paprika, some salt, some basil, and pepper. I put a lid on the frying pan and let the spinach cook down and the broccoli get softer.
On half a tortilla I chopped 1/4 of an avocado, smashed it into a paste and spread it over the tortilla. Then I put a little dijon mustard and about a tablespoon of hummus and spread that over the avocado. Then I dished out about 1/4 of the veggie concoction onto the avocado mix, folded the tortilla shell over the veggies, and put salsa on top of the whole shebang. Eat and enjoy! (I dished up some veggie for my grandparents, but have enough left over to repeat the meal tomorrow...Yum!
In other news, I have been wasting time reading over my Meyers-Briggs personality profile explanation. I've taken the test several times for various classes over the past 5 years, and every time I've been an ENFP (which means, for those of you who don't know, Extrover, iNtuitive, Feeler, and Perceiver).
Essentially the test breakes down answers to the following questions:
-- How do you get your energy, from being around people or from being on your own (Extrovert versus Introvert)?
-- How do you prefer to process information? Dealing with facts and what you know to be true (Sensing)? or with ideas and generating new possibilities (iNtuitive)?
-- How do you prefer to make decisions? From objective logic and analysis (Thinking)? or from values and morals and what you "feel" is right (Feeling)?
-- How do you prefer to organize your life? If you like having things organized and planned, you're a Judging person (not necessarily a Judgemental person, though!). If you like to go with the flow and don't like to be locked into specifics, you're a Perceiver.
Like I said, I'm an ENFP, meaning I get energy from people and prefer to direct energy toward people; I like to process information as ideas and possibilities; I make decisions from "my gut" more than I do my brain (although I do TRY to use my brain SOMEtimes!); and I like to be more go-with-the-flow than being stuck in a structured life.
From the info I've been reading on the internet (which, of course, is ALWAYS reliable!), there are some great perks to being an ENFP. Namely, ENFPs tend to just enjoy life a lot! They are great at making friends, they're social, they tend to understand people pretty well, they are creative and usually fairly talented at whatever strikes their interest, they have great ideas and can inspire people, they communicate well, and they tend to think outside the box, especially in regard to interpersonal relationships.
The downsides are also fairly numerous, though: ENFPs aren't always the best at following through with things, they hate mundane details and can be inconsistent, they are always seeking novelty, in work, play, and relationships, they develop intense relationships quickly, and they get bored very easily. And they're terrible decision makers, because they never want to lock themselves into anything specific!
Perhaps a redeeming quality is that they are deeply committed to their values and beliefs. They want to DO things that line up with their values (often a "save the world!" type stance...), and as long as they are being stimulated toward those values, they will devote themselves to that project. They value the harmony of relationships more than they do the productivity of relationships, so in group work environments, everyone has to be getting along for an ENFP to be productive! Once they develop their values, ENFPs are persistently consistent with those values, even when they appear to be inconsistent with everything else. Interestingly, they're the only Extrovert types that also need quiet time to some extent, and the reason is so they can evaluate whether they are living by their internal values.
In terms of relationships, it sounds like ENFPs can go either way - they are often idealistic, so they may either put all their effort and energy into making the best possible relationship develop, because they strive toward their idealistic goals (which can be a good thing, because they're very devoted to the relationship), or they may always have a "the grass is greener on the other side" view of life, but their strong values and people-pleasing tendency will often keep them involved in a relationship, even if it isn't for the best.
Another downside to being an ENFP is that they often judge incorrectly - they may understand a lot about a situation or person, but they might take all that understanding and come to a very wrong conclusion...
And now that I've typed up this wonderful little summary of my personality, I suppose I should try to get back to the (mundane!) task of grading papers... Not that I don't like to read my student's thoughts, I just have to talk myself into it and point out how relational it is to read their responses and respond to it... rather than the allure of more instant communication via IM on facebook...!
So I'm curious, for the two of you who actually read this blog, what is your personality type?
In the meantime, I suppose it's time for a little update:
I made this amazing meal for lunch, and you should all try it! I sauteed 1 clove of garlic and 1/2 an onion in a tablespoon or so of extra virgin olive oil with a couple teaspoons of balsamic vinegar. Then I added about 1 1/2 cups of broccoli, a red pepper, and 2 cups of fresh spinach. I seasoned the mixture with a little cumin, some paprika, some salt, some basil, and pepper. I put a lid on the frying pan and let the spinach cook down and the broccoli get softer.
On half a tortilla I chopped 1/4 of an avocado, smashed it into a paste and spread it over the tortilla. Then I put a little dijon mustard and about a tablespoon of hummus and spread that over the avocado. Then I dished out about 1/4 of the veggie concoction onto the avocado mix, folded the tortilla shell over the veggies, and put salsa on top of the whole shebang. Eat and enjoy! (I dished up some veggie for my grandparents, but have enough left over to repeat the meal tomorrow...Yum!
In other news, I have been wasting time reading over my Meyers-Briggs personality profile explanation. I've taken the test several times for various classes over the past 5 years, and every time I've been an ENFP (which means, for those of you who don't know, Extrover, iNtuitive, Feeler, and Perceiver).
Essentially the test breakes down answers to the following questions:
-- How do you get your energy, from being around people or from being on your own (Extrovert versus Introvert)?
-- How do you prefer to process information? Dealing with facts and what you know to be true (Sensing)? or with ideas and generating new possibilities (iNtuitive)?
-- How do you prefer to make decisions? From objective logic and analysis (Thinking)? or from values and morals and what you "feel" is right (Feeling)?
-- How do you prefer to organize your life? If you like having things organized and planned, you're a Judging person (not necessarily a Judgemental person, though!). If you like to go with the flow and don't like to be locked into specifics, you're a Perceiver.
Like I said, I'm an ENFP, meaning I get energy from people and prefer to direct energy toward people; I like to process information as ideas and possibilities; I make decisions from "my gut" more than I do my brain (although I do TRY to use my brain SOMEtimes!); and I like to be more go-with-the-flow than being stuck in a structured life.
From the info I've been reading on the internet (which, of course, is ALWAYS reliable!), there are some great perks to being an ENFP. Namely, ENFPs tend to just enjoy life a lot! They are great at making friends, they're social, they tend to understand people pretty well, they are creative and usually fairly talented at whatever strikes their interest, they have great ideas and can inspire people, they communicate well, and they tend to think outside the box, especially in regard to interpersonal relationships.
The downsides are also fairly numerous, though: ENFPs aren't always the best at following through with things, they hate mundane details and can be inconsistent, they are always seeking novelty, in work, play, and relationships, they develop intense relationships quickly, and they get bored very easily. And they're terrible decision makers, because they never want to lock themselves into anything specific!
Perhaps a redeeming quality is that they are deeply committed to their values and beliefs. They want to DO things that line up with their values (often a "save the world!" type stance...), and as long as they are being stimulated toward those values, they will devote themselves to that project. They value the harmony of relationships more than they do the productivity of relationships, so in group work environments, everyone has to be getting along for an ENFP to be productive! Once they develop their values, ENFPs are persistently consistent with those values, even when they appear to be inconsistent with everything else. Interestingly, they're the only Extrovert types that also need quiet time to some extent, and the reason is so they can evaluate whether they are living by their internal values.
In terms of relationships, it sounds like ENFPs can go either way - they are often idealistic, so they may either put all their effort and energy into making the best possible relationship develop, because they strive toward their idealistic goals (which can be a good thing, because they're very devoted to the relationship), or they may always have a "the grass is greener on the other side" view of life, but their strong values and people-pleasing tendency will often keep them involved in a relationship, even if it isn't for the best.
Another downside to being an ENFP is that they often judge incorrectly - they may understand a lot about a situation or person, but they might take all that understanding and come to a very wrong conclusion...
And now that I've typed up this wonderful little summary of my personality, I suppose I should try to get back to the (mundane!) task of grading papers... Not that I don't like to read my student's thoughts, I just have to talk myself into it and point out how relational it is to read their responses and respond to it... rather than the allure of more instant communication via IM on facebook...!
So I'm curious, for the two of you who actually read this blog, what is your personality type?
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